We Wait For You, Part 1

It’s no secret that Tim and I have learned to WAIT.  Sometimes patiently, faithfully, confidently; other times anxiously and full of despair.  If you’re reading this post, it’s likely not the first you’ve heard of our years of waiting and wondering, traveling many different paths that finally led to infant adoption and, ultimately, the beautiful girl we now call Our Libby.

And so the title “We Wait For You” might easily refer to that smiling face you’ve seen in so many photos on facebook, the soft, fuzzy head now covered in wispy auburn hair, the big brown eyes that light up my world.   But here today, it refers to our relationship with our Lord and Savior, which has been tested and strengthened throughout this process.

I started jotting down notes for this post four weeks ago, July 15.  I was practicing organ for church early on a Sunday morning.  Libby was babbling and rolling around behind me on the organ room floor.  My thoughts were far from learning my hymns and choosing preservice music.  I was thinking about how much she’d grown and changed already, in the six short weeks we’d had her home with us.  I was thinking about just how much we’d missed, not even meeting her until she was six months, three and a half weeks old.  I was thinking about how things might have been different if we’d known about her, seen pictures and videos of her, maybe even held her months before.

Let me back up and lay out a quick timeline here.  These dates are burned into my mind, but I have to remember that the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around Libby, like mine does :)

• Elizabeth was born on November 3, 2011. 
•  She was taken home to Pismo Beach, CA by Gene and Dede on November 8 (they were with her in the hospital from the 4^th).
• Her Optic Nerve condition was officially diagnosed and her blindness confirmed on December 6.
• After trying several other routes/agencies, Libby’s birth family made an adoption plan with Bethany Christian Services in late March.  The agency first tried to place her with a family within the state.
• In April the search was opened up to Bethany branches in other states.  Tim and I were given her story on April 16 and asked if we would like to be considered.  We were told that our profile would be shown on April 20.
• On May 1, we found out we had been chosen.
• On May 28, we arrived in Pismo Beach and met precious Elizabeth.
• On June 3, we flew her home to Minnesota.

So you can see she had a long road before she even came to us, and before we even knew about her.  Gene and Dede gave her such wonderful care, and I’m convinced she could not have had a better start in life.  They gave her everything we would have wanted to give her ourselves, and then some.  And in return, she blessed them with smiles and milestones and seven months of precious memories that they will cherish forever. 

Meanwhile, we waited.  For months, we knew nothing about her.  Have a look now at Tim and Megan’s timeline from November-May:

• On November 1 we submitted our profile (a Shutterfly book of photos and information about ourselves) for birth families to look at.  This completed our paperwork process and made us a “waiting family.” We rushed to finish our book by this date, because our social worker had told us about an upcoming profile showing in South Dakota that would be a possible match for us.  Books were being shipped on November 2, so ours had to be turned in by the 1^st.
• November 4: Gene and Dede meet sweet Elizabeth and fall in love.  Tim and Megan drive to Illinois for a wedding.  Our minds have been consumed with this showing in South Dakota all week.  California is the farthest place from our minds :) The South Dakota showing is postponed several times, and eventually, at the end of November, the birth mother picks another family.
• Late December: we get our second profile showing opportunity.  This one we turn down, because the additional costs in this particular situation would have nearly doubled our total adoption expenses.  It was SO hard to say no after months and years of wanting a child so badly.
• February: So far it’s been approximately six weeks between each of these profile showings.  The wait has been excruciating.  Our nursery has been complete and ready for quite a while.  Some days the sight of it gives me hope.  Some days it crushes me and I close my eyes as I pass through it to get to our own bedroom.  Some days I don’t even notice it’s there.  We got another call for a profile showing a couple of hours away.  The situation sounded a little risky but promising, so we agreed to have our book shown.  The day of the showing, my stomach was doing somersaults.  I snuck a peek at my phone at 10:30 that morning in the back office at work, and let out a shriek when I saw an e-mail from our social worker.  I read it through and was disappointed once again.  She was letting us know there had been a huge response to this showing and our book had not even been sent.  It would have been too many books for the birth couple, so they had cut about half the couples who had wanted to be shown.

So there you have it.  That’s it! Only three big disappointments, only six months on a waiting list that commonly lasts 1-2 years, or longer.  Looking back, we had it pretty good.  I’ve heard some awful stories of endless waits and crushing blows along the way.  But if you’d tried to tell me we “had it good” last winter or spring, I would have laughed in your face, or maybe scratched you, depending on the day :) It sure didn’t feel good.  It felt awful, living in the unknown like that.

So back to that Sunday morning, practicing organ.  I was thinking about those months we spent in the Unknown, wondering how life would have been different if we had just known about Libby from day one.  Not necessarily taken her home, but known about her.  She was born eerily close to the day we started waiting.  How differently would those six months have played out if we had known?

“Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.”  Isaiah 26:8

Yes, we waited for her.  But before “she” had a name, before we even knew it was a “she,” when generic “Baby Redfield” was getting gender-neutral Christmas and Easter gifts, we were waiting for the Lord and His plan.  He had His reasons and His ways, and in the aftermath they now appear so clear and so wise.  Not only why we waited for HER, but why, in His wisdom and mercy, He asked us to wait to even KNOW of her.  He had other plans for us last winter and spring.  And she was in wonderful hands in the meantime.

My dear Hubby, the pastor, needs the computer now. It is Saturday afternoon, after all.  And I’ve already gone on for quite a while.  So y’all will have to wait a couple hours to hear my take on God’s plans… just like we had to wait :) 

And here's a picture of 2-day old Elizabeth to hold you over, from long before she was "ours."

So Much Love

We thought we were prepared.  We read the books, we cleaned the house from top to bottom, we signed on every dotted line.  By the time we left for California, the even the dogs knew her name, perking up whenever they heard “Elizabeth” just like “ride,” “treat,” and “outside.” My heart ached the entire month of May because I so desperately “missed” my little girl, the beautiful princess across the country whom I hadn’t even met yet, who already had my entire heart wrapped around her teensy finger.  We knew we were in for BIGTIME love. 

We’d spent years watching so many friends and family fall in love over and over and over again with baby after baby.  We’d seen how it changes people.  We’d begun to feel it when our first nephew came along, and it grew stronger as we checked off each step of our adoption process.  We knew we were getting closer, each passing day, to a whole new kind of love.  We were prepared for it to be bigger than we could possibly imagine.  We knew it would fill us up and knock us off our feet.  So we felt prepared.

Then we saw this sweet little face.

Like I said, we had known it would be major.  We had known it would be boundless and unimaginable.  And yet somehow, it continues to bewilder me day after day.  I go to bed thinking, “I love that little pumpkin with everything I have and then some.  There’s no way I could love her more.”  Then I wake up, even AFTER a night of seemingly endless screaming, and love her a million times more than the day before.  Somehow, even after all that mental and emotional preparation, I’m STILL surprised that my heart can love this much. 

And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.  What REALLY caught me off guard is how much extra love has come into my life that I wasn’t even preparing for!

Obviously I loved my husband before Libby came along, more and more each day that we spent together.  We had a wonderful six years pre-baby, growing closer through God’s Word and the trials and triumphs we faced as a team.  But seeing him as Her Daddy… wow.  To see him drop everything when she needs him, to hear him make up silly songs about her, to watch him put her to sleep and gently kiss her forehead… MAN, that’s powerful stuff.  I don’t know how the man does it.  I thought I was sleep-deprived? I know better than anyone how busy he is and how deeply he cares for his ministry and how many hours he ACTUALLY works.  And he still makes time to be the Dad she needs him to be.  And train for marathons.  He just doesn’t sleep.  He’s amazing and my heart is overflowing.

Or how about the birth family? I knew Birthmom’s first name and that she was a “pretty girl” before we left for California, but that was about it.  When we left home at the end of May, I loved her for the choice she had made to give life to this sweet baby.  Funny how in six short weeks, I can already say I love her for HER. Not just for the baby she brought into the world, but for her grace, maturity, and wisdom beyond her years.  And I wasn’t prepared to be warmly embraced, SO SOON, by her whole family.  I love what a beautiful, close-knit group of people they are, and I’m humbly grateful for how much (and how EASILY) they support and encourage us.  I’m thankful every day for what they gave to us, and it blows my mind when THEY thank US for what we have done.  They are amazing people.

Then there’s Dede and Gene, Libby’s “third” set of grandparents: Nanny and Pops.  I was fully prepared to love these people for the beautiful start to life they had given my daughter.  I had a feeling they would want ongoing contact, and I was willing to oblige out of appreciation for their selfless care.  How quickly THAT motivation changed, too! I feel not an ounce of “obligation” when I text them pictures and send e-mails and order a fourth set of prints on Shutterfly, one for us, two for grandparents, and one for Nanny and Pops.  We spent a Monday afternoon through Friday morning with these people, less than four whole days, and I left bawling.  Just like the birth family, how quickly we came to love them for THEM! They feel like family.  Dede told me that after we left and people were asking how the visit and transition had gone, she kept calling us “the kids.” What an unexpected blessing.  We knew, getting into open adoption, that we would “eventually” come to love another family.  We had no idea how quickly we would find such love with TWO families, in Elizabeth’s case.

And OUR families! Of course we love them, and always have.  But hearing the joy and love and anticipation in their voices when we shared our news, then SEEING that love and complete adoration of their new granddaughter/niece/family member … how blessed we are! So many books have been written about how adoptive parents can help their families come to accept and love the adopted child, brought into the family in a non-biological manner.  I wondered if the day would ever come we would need these books to help us help our families to understand our feelings and Libby’s place in the family.  But when they met her, seeing them hold her and cuddle her and love on her relentlessly… I don’t think we have a whole lot to worry about.  Their unconditional acceptance of her place in our family brings so much joy to my heart, and makes me love and appreciate our families more than ever.

Likewise, our friends have been SO supportive, with presents and cards and phone calls and absolutely beautiful words of love and joy and praise.  I simply love sharing her sweetness and our joy with all of you, and the way you have welcomed her with open arms and shown so much care and concern for her is simply amazing.  Whenever we put up a new picture of Libby on Facebook, and especially after we spent the week in California and our pages blew up with love and support, Tim’s mom loves to read through all the names and comments and look for people she recognizes.  She says, “Wow, you guys have SO MANY friends who are excited about Libby.” And it’s so true; it feels like my whole little world waits on the edge of their seat for the next picture of Libby, and when I post it, it catches like wildfire.  And I LOVE you guys for it and appreciate it more than you know.

Here’s the biggest “love” surprise of all.  The others I might have logically concluded if I had thought far enough ahead.  But this one, I don’t think I ever could have seen coming.  Loving her has changed how I feel about myself and made me love myself a little more.  It definitely helps that she has filled this empty, aching little piece of my heart that has been waiting for her.  But there’s more to it – I feel stronger, tougher, more accomplished.  Which is kind of hilarious, being that I accomplish next to nothing in a day, compared to what I used to :) But now I feel so PROUD when I get the bathroom clean or the laundry folded or a nice meal cooked, because I know how HARD it was to get that done! I’m becoming more assertive, a quality I’ve wanted and needed to strengthen, but could never seem to do it for myself. But for her, it’s automatic.  I’m her advocate and I will fight fiercely for what she needs. And working out… seriously, did I just do a half-marathon at the end of May?  Pretty sure I couldn’t make it through a 5k at this moment without walking. But gone are the days of beating myself up because I didn’t work out “enough” this week.  Now are the days of pride and loving myself for mustering the strength and finding the time to work out even a few days a week.  It feels REALLY good to feel good about myself.  Not that every second of mommyhood is feeling good about yourself… sometimes I feel pretty crappy.  But there have been some very happy, proud moments, and it’s been wonderful.

Finally, I love my Savior SO much.  I don’t deserve this, ANY of this.  Sometimes I sit and stare and her and wonder why and how we are so blessed, and I hug her just a little tighter, reassuring myself that she’s real and she’s mine and she’s here to stay.  Why me? But then I glance over at the second shelf of the changing table, arm’s length from the rocking chair.  The stack of adoption books and baby books and devotion books that I thought I might sit and rock and read while Libby napped… HA! What a joke, THAT does not happen.  Then I catch a glimpse of my Bible propped up against the stack of books and the question “Why me?” is answered: simply because God is good.  Libby is not the only underserved, lovely blessing I’ve been graciously given in this life.  My Savior has blessed me so richly in so many ways, blessings I don’t even KNOW He’s given me.  And Libby, soft, sweet little Libby resting in my arms, is a physical, daily reminder of ALL the good that God gives me every single day.

So much love! I had known our hearts would grow and expand to accommodate the sweet little brown-eyed, chubby-cheeked munchkin we were about to bring home… I had known we would grow to love the people who had brought her into the world and cared for her in the early months of her life… but THIS much love? I am overwhelmed and so very, very blessed.

Mine

When I first laid eyes on her, she was sleeping.  I was thankful for that.  Pulling up to the house she lived in, walking in the front door and seeing blankets and hats and toys and books and diaper bags... it was all too much.  Meeting her right away would have done me in.

I cried a little as I met and hugged the people who have loved and cared for her tirelessly since she was two days old.  I was surprised I didn't dissolve into a sobbing puddle.  That would be typical Megan.  But my mind and body knew something major was happening and pulled through to hold me together.

She stretched and rubbed her eyes as she began to wake up.  Dede gently lifted her from her crib and carried her straight to me.  I stared and stared at the sweet little face whose pictures had been dancing through my dreams for weeks. She was real! She smelled so sweet and felt so soft as she cuddled her little head straight into my shoulder, still half asleep.

We spent four days with Dede and Gene, once "Mom and Dad", now "Nanny and Pops." The first two nights we slept in their home, they cooked us meals, poured us wine, and we watched as they effortlessly cared for their little angel.  Everything was so slick and smooth.  Routine. I was in awe. She slept in our guest room in a Pack 'N' Play, and she woke in the middle of the night, just at the time they said she would.  As I lifted her up in the 1 a.m. darkness, I couldn't see her smile, but I could feel it against my shoulder.  She knew it was time for a snack.  She knew she would be sung to and cuddled.  It's probably her favorite time of day.

After two nights we moved out of their house into a hotel with little Elizabeth.  We began eating meals on our own, having "outings" on our own, and visiting Nanny and Pops for long stretches of the day.  When we were alone with her, we began to call her Libby, just a little bit.  She was used to "Lizzy."  They knew we were changing the nickname, but I didn't want to use the new one in front of them.  It felt strange and even a little ungrateful.  I heard Dede use it a couple times when playing with her later in the week.  It meant the world to me and broke my heart, all at the same time.

Saying goodbye to them was simply awful.  We had the most wonderful last night - we ordered pizza and talked and laughed as if we'd known each other for years.  We already had "inside jokes." But we all knew what was going to happen, and we didn't want the night to end.  Gene wouldn't see her again.  Dede would come by our hotel in the morning before we left town.  My heart was broken.  I loved this baby girl so much already, but I knew that they loved her more.  And I was taking her away from them.  She felt like "theirs."

We packed up the car Friday morning with the gear and the sweet baby who was now "ours." We were free to come home to Minnesota, but we weren't ready.  Our flight home would be a monstrous undertaking between all the luggage, carry-ons, carseat and stroller, and little Elizabeth.  We needed a couple days to rest, recover, and get to know one another as an independent family.

We traveled from the coast to the desert and met up with dear friends from college.  She was not used to the heat.  She was not used to the sounds of other children.  She was not used to the smells and sounds of our strange little condo.  She was a little more subdued.  She slept more.  Smiles had to be coaxed out of her.  And Saturday morning, when we changed her from pajamas to a baptismal gown and then to a swimsuit within half an hour, she screamed bloody murder (several times) like I'd never heard before.

After swimming and a nice, long nap, I dressed her in clothes that I had bought her for the first time, rather than one of the seven thousand outfits Dede had given us :) It still felt a little "wrong." We took a little walk outside in the desert heat and settled in the cool grass under a shady tree for some pictures.  We cuddled and played and she perked up a bit. 

Sunday we flew home.  LAX with a baby was, surprisingly, rather pleasant and painless.  She was a champ on the plane.  After landing, we went to Starbucks with our friends who had kept our car in their garage.  Then we went to pick up the dogs and showed her off there, too.  She was quiet but very alert, just taking it all in.  We got home about 7:00 and the nursery, once neat, clean and "waiting," erupted with clothes and blankets and cute little girl things.  What a beautiful mess.

Home at last with my own furniture, changed into clean clothes and reunited with my doggies, it felt bizarre as I went through the unfamiliar motions of diapering and feeding and clothing a baby.  Although the sting was still real and powerful, it no longer felt like she "belonged" to Dede and Gene.  But it still didn't feel like she belonged to me.  Especially when every trace of her former "routine" vanished for our first six days at home and I became a walking, worrying zombie.  It felt surreal, temporary - almost as if I was baby-sitting someone else's child in my home while they were on vacation.

I started finding places to unpack all her treasures. The three big boxes of the rest of her goodies arrrived from California on Wednesday.  I washed dishes and folded laundry and baked cookies and worked on the computer while she napped.  I tried trick after trick in the middle of the night to get her back to sleep after that 1 a.m. wake-up call.  She refused.  I was (am) far more exhausted than I would admit. Grandma came on Wednesday, followed closely by Grandpa on Thursday.  Just in time for Little Girl to get miserable for all of Thursday and most of Friday.  She's got a couple of upper teeth taking their sweet time cutting through, and it's driving her crazy.

She would cry and cry and her nose would drip and her eyes would water and she drooled more than I think it snowed all last winter.  She didn't want to eat.  She wanted to sleep all. day. long.  And then not a wink at night.  She had JUST been starting to take comfort from me, and now there was nothing I could do to soothe her. I felt awful.  It seemed everything I did would make her cry.  Thank God my mom is around.  She's the one who keeps remembering how much Libby loves the bath, and how it calms her.  She's the one who remembers to take her temp.  She's the one who put her foot down and told me to get my butt back to bed NOW for a nap.  I was feeling exhausted, worried, and guilty.  I wasn't spending enough time in the Word of God. And so I felt awful. She was starting to feel like mine, but I felt like I didn't deserve her.

Last night God worked a little miracle in our house and she slept straight through until 5:30, except for a little half hour snack at 12:30.  I woke up refreshed, clear-headed and grateful.  I felt like myself.  I woke to happy little cooing and giggling sounds, not crying.  Well, not until I removed seven hours' worth of nose crusties.  Then she screamed her head off.  When the nose was clear, I wrapped her in my arms and held her close and nested into the rocker, the early morning sun sparkling on her tear-stained cheeks.

As I cuddled her and began to softly sing, she started to smile and my heart just melted.  She stopped crying just as I started to.  In that moment I felt it for the first time.  It was fierce and powerful and brought me to tears.  She's mine.  "It's you and me, kid," I told her.  "Well, and Daddy, too." Later in the morning we were having rice cereal for breakfast and I tried a new noise and had her laughing hysterically, like she never has for me.  That settled it.  It's true.  She's mine.

Adjusting to a new baby is tough for anyone.  Bringing that baby home through adoption adds special challenges.  And when she's seven months old and you've just uprooted her from the most loving, wonderful people and SHE KNOWS IT... it's pretty tough.  I'm not kidding myself into thinking those feelings of guilt and inadequacy are done.

But after this morning, I know what it's "supposed" to feel like.  It was a truly precious moment.  And when the bad days come again, I'll think of her sweet little face, laughing so hard she spit her cereal in my face.

What's Another Week?

Well, some of you have gathered from a few random Facebook posts that our "Elizabeth" plans have changed a bit, but many others still might think we're leaving for California in two days.  I guess it's time for a little update :)  We have to wait one more looooooong week now before we get to leave.  At first I was really disappointed... now (two days before the date we originally wanted to leave) I'm a little relieved because I know we would have been SO far from ready to go on Sunday.

Our little sweetie pie is now 6 1/2 months old.  I get a little wistful and occasionally bum out because we're missing so much from day to day, but have such joy knowing we will be with her before she turns 7 months on June 3.  Tim and I fly out to LA on Sunday night, May 27, on a flight I bought so cheaply, I still do a happy dance when I think about it three days later.  We'll get into LA about 11 pm and probably not sleep at all because we'll be so excited.  First thing in the morning, we'll pick up a rental car and head about three hours north to meet little Libby on Memorial Day.  The birthmother's social worker, Theresa, will be coming from about 4 hours in a different direction to meet us and go through our paperwork.  She might even make it down to us right away on Memorial Day, depending on what her family has planned for the holiday; otherwise she will come on Tuesday or as soon as she can.  But regardless of when Theresa is able to make it to meet us, we're "allowed" to go and visit Elizabeth and the family she has been staying with, and start getting to know her.  So Monday is the day!

Elizabeth has been staying with these wonderful people named Dede and Gene.   They love her so much and have taken fantastic care of her since she was two days old.  After a little stint in the NICU, Elizabeth came home with them at about a week old.  She had been born a little early, but I think she was full-term at least.  She was 6 lb 13 oz, but dropped more than she should have in the first week due to some issues that I am anxious to hear more about.  When she first got home, she was a fussy eater and slow to grow, so Dede and Gene bought a home scale for her and they weighed her every two days.  Even now that she's "out of the woods" and doing much better, they still continue to weigh her regularly; it's a fun little ritual for them.  Last I heard, the little peanut was closing in on 16 pounds!

The live in a beautiful town right on the ocean, and take her there often for walks.  Tim and I are really looking forward to spending some time on the coast! We'll be staying with Dede and Gene for 4-5 days to help ease Elizabeth's transition from their care to ours.  We'll stay in their home for at least 2 nights, and spend our days learning her daily routine so that we can do our best to replicate it for Libby's comfort and familiarity.  For the third and fourth nights, we'll stay in a hotel to see how she does overnight in a different environment, but we'll bring her back to the house during the day.  I'm pretty nervous about those first couple days after we actually leave for good; I think she's going to have a rough time at first.  Since she relies so much on her senses other than sight, we have to think very differently about how to make her feel secure and comfortable with us.

Depending on when Theresa arrives to go through paperwork with us, and then gets it submitted to the state, we will probably be in California for 5-10 days.  One of the first forms we will sign will be "placement" papers, allowing us to leave Dede and Gene's with her and travel freely as a family, but we will need the state's approval of some of our other paperwork before we are allowed to leave the state and come home.  The earliest they foresee this happening would be Friday, June 1.  I'm not really counting on things happening that quickly.  We're mentally preparing that we'd have to be out there until Tuesday the 5th or Wednesday the 6th, and will just be pleasantly surprised if we're allowed to come home earlier.

Libby has not yet been baptized, so we want to do that before we travel home with her.  I got a box of beautiful clothes from my mom this week, and my baptismal gown was inside for us to take to California and use for Elizabeth.  If we come home before Sunday, we'll do a little private ceremony somewhere before flying out.  If we are there over the weekend, we'll be staying with some dear friends after we leave Dede and Gene's and hope to the baptism in a WELS church on Sunday.

We're really excited about getting her home for our whirlwind month of June that has been falling into place.  June 10 is our six-year anniversary, and will likely be our first Sunday home to introduce her to the congregations.  June 11-14, Tim will be gone to New Ulm for District Convention, but is considering coming home in the evenings to see Libby (and me :) I may go down there a bit, too, so she can meet some of our pastor friends and their families.  Libby's first Brewers game (or Twins game, depending on how you cheer) will be Friday night, June 15 at Target Field.  The next Friday the 22nd, we have a family wedding in Wisconsin for my side, and then a family wedding reception on Saturday for Tim's side.  THEN Tim will be gone June 26-July 1 for the WELS Youth Rally in Tennessee, so I'll either be home alone, accepting live-in visitors, or hanging out in Wisconsin for the week, passing Elizabeth around from grandparent to grandparent.  I guess I still have a month to think about that one :)


We have slowly been feeling more and more "ready" for her from day to day, as these weeks have passed since we first found out that she is ours.  The first week, neither of us slept well and at times felt physically ill from the stress.  The second week, we had started to get more of our ducks in a row as to medical appointments, special resources, and baby gear.  We have a pretty good idea of what Dede will be sending us home with, have bought a few things that we know we will need right away, and are humbled by God's grace daily as the generosity of family and friends fills our mailbox with gift cards and adorable outfits and wonderful little girl goodies.

I will be getting a six-week maternity leave from work, which starts when we bring her home and does not include the California trip.  So that puts us out to the middle of July.  During the six weeks, we'll be evaluating if I should try to return to work or stay home permanently.  Our "life plan" always included me going back to work, because I have a wonderful part-time schedule that would only require us to utilize daycare two days per week, with "Daddy Day" on my other two half-days per week.  But Little Miss Libby's needs have us seriously considering me staying home.  We'll see.  I absolutely love my job... BUT we kinda love Elizabeth a little bit, too :) We'll need some time at home with her to figure out what day-to-day life will be like, and what will be best for her.


SO! That's what we know for now.  I am absolutely dying to share pictures of this beautiful little girl with you all, but we have been asked by the social workers not to do so until we get her home.  However, I am allowed to share privately, so if you would like to see some pictures, please e-mail me at megan.redfield.MR@gmail.com, and I'll send some to you.  Maybe not right away... but eventually.  I may get another update posted before we leave next Sunday, if we have anything new to report.  Otherwise I'll post something while we're out there about how absolutely wonderful she is :)

Elizabeth

I think this is a first. Two posts within a week... sometimes it's hard to do two posts in a month! I have a confession to make about my last post, all about making the most of pre-parenthood years.  The truth is, I already knew about Baby Elizabeth when I posted it.  Here's the story of our last three weeks:

Monday, April 16
I went in to work for a few hours in the afternoon, after Tim left for Pastor's Conference.  I have Mondays off, but we were falling behind on some paperwork and Tim had just left and I wanted some extra hours.  When I got to the office, i grabbed my laptop, a stack of papers, and headed to the back business office.  Within minutes of sitting down, my phone rang with a number I recognized as "important," but couldn't, for the life of me, remember whose number it was.  I answered hesitantly, a much lower, less bubbly voice than I normally reserve for Noel, our social worker.  

Of course, it was Noel, our social worker.

She asked me to check my e-mail right away.  She had just sent me details about a special needs baby in California.  We've gotten calls like this from her before; calls asking if we're willing to have our profile book shown in "special circumstances," like out-of-state or special needs.  In this case, it was both!

Elizabeth was born on 11/3/11, and was diagnosed on 12/6/11 with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia.  The optic nerve is underdeveloped, and it can cause vision problems or blindness, hormone deficiencies, and brain damage.  In Elizabeth's case, the biggest symptom so far is her vision.  For the time being, she has been declared blind.  To what degree, we won't know until we meet her, talk with her doctors, and wait it out a couple years.  From the little research we've done, we learned that most children experience visual improvement within the first  2-3 years of life.  We're not "banking" on that happening, but of course hope and pray that it will.

As far as other possible issues, Elizabeth's doctors are optimistic that developmental delays and brain damage will not be severe, because she's growing extremely well and is a very happy, well-adjusted baby.  She eats well, pulls herself up, and is developing in an age-appropriate manner.

So Tim (having just left home for 2 days) and I (without the computer that Tim took to Pastor's Conference) had to decide Monday night if we wanted our profile book shipped to California the next day for consideration in Elizabeth's case.  I quick printed off a few handouts before I left work, but we had very little to base this decision off of.  Looking back, that was probably best. No matter how much we learn about ONH, none of it matters until we talk to HER doctors about HER.  And this decision is about so much more than a disorder: it's about a beautiful baby girl, it's about two parents ready to love her, it's about faith in God.

So the next morning I e-mailed Noel back, agreeing to have our book sent.  It had taken us a matter of minutes to decide, but I wanted to sleep and pray on it overnight.

Friday, April 20
is the date we had been given for when the profile showing would take place.  I was a complete wreck that day.  I had taken off work and was flying to Milwaukee that morning for a baby shower the next day (a flight for $120, who can argue with that against the price of gas?!?) It KILLED me to turn off my phone for that 45-minute flight. I waited and waited and waited for news all day.  Noel is fantastic about contacting us as soon as she hears anything, so I knew I could trust her.  Finally about 7:30 that night, I started thinking clearly and realized it was highly unlikely a decision would be made in one day.  We'd probably hear something on Monday.

So Monday I was a wreck again.  And we didn't hear anything.  "Maybe we'll hear on Friday... maybe they wanted to take a week to decide."

Still nothing Friday.

Everything felt different about this showing.  We've had our book shown before, and I've been able to relax as we wait it out.  This time I could NOT STOP thinking about Elizabeth all day, every day.  Wondering how you teach a blind baby to do this and that.  Wondering if I will need to leave my job that I love and stay home with her.  Wondering what she looks like, smells like, what she would feel like cuddled up against my chest.  


Monday, April 30
Two weeks had gone by and we still hadn't heard anything.  I had promised the girls at work that I would call Noel this day and ask if she had heard anything.  I really didn't want to "push" her for info because, like I said, she is wonderful and I trust that she'd tell us the MOMENT she heard anything.  

I chickened out and never called Noel.  I decided I would call tomorrow instead.  


We had waited until the last possible moment to hear about Elizabeth, but we really needed to get ourselves registered for our Marathon and Half Marathon on May 19 that we'd been training for.  The price would go up on May 1, and I had put it off long enough.  We couldn't plan our lives around a baby that most likely is not ours.  I registered at 10:30 p.m.


Tuesday, May 1
 In a funk about not having heard anything yet, yet feeling "free" after registering for the race the night before, I sat down at the computer on my lunch hour and started an outline for my last blog post, "Six Months Already." Tuesday was the six-month anniversary of our "Waiting Family" status.  When I sat down, I intended just to journal about our last six months.  As I began to outline, my "funk" took over and I proceeded to flavor the journaling effort with jabs about the advantages of being childless.  None of which I regret, they're all true feelings that I have, which is why I decided to finish writing and publish it later that night, hours after hearing the news.


The news: Noel called as I had just begun to type.  Simultaneously, my heart beat straight out of my chest, dropped to the floor, and flew into the sky.  I tried so hard to appear calm as I answered the phone.  I don't know who I thought I was kidding.  Noel has adopted before and she knew exactly how skittish I was.  She sounded happy, excited, different than when she usually calls.  And for good reason: she had the most wonderful news.  Elizabeth would be ours.  We had been chosen.

She had no other information at the time and hadn't had much contact with the social worker in California.  She would let us know new information as soon as possible.

We had champagne that night to celebrate.  Tim wanted to go out to eat, but I put my foot down and we ate leftover meatloaf.  We're parents now; we have to think differently about our budget.  And we've got a massive, unbudgeted trip to California this month.


Wednesday, May 2
I started carrying a piece of paper with me everywhere, now ratty, dirty, and smudged with coffee.  I can't shut off my brain, whether I'm working, sleeping, or running.  It's all Elizabeth, all the time.  I need a place to write down random questions, resources I come across, phone numbers, my to-do list.

Tim and I decided that we need a couple weeks before we can travel.  As much as we want to get out there immediately, we need to buy stuff and start lining up a medical team and get health insurance straightened out and clean the house REALLY well for all our guests we'll have once we get home :)  And plan a trip.  And plan a 1-2 week absence from church!


Thursday, May 3 (Elizabeth is 6 months old today!)
Noel called again.  She had a little more information, but not much.  She informed me that the California pregnancy counselor would be starting the Interstate Adoption paperwork right away, hopefully shortening our stay once we actually get out there.  Also, she had a phone number for Dede, the woman that has been caring for Elizabeth since 2 days old.  She gave me this number at 1:30.  I finally worked up the courage to call at 9:30.  Well, that and I had to finish my shift at work, go to Bible Study, eat supper, and pace and hyperventilate for a while.

Dede didn't answer, but her voicemail voice was warm and confident and she sounded amazing.  I told her to call me back anytime and to disregard the time difference.  I haven't been sleeping since Tuesday, anyway.


She called about 11:30 and she is wonderful.  I want to adopt her, too.  But she's our parents' age... so that probably wouldn't work :) She and her husband completely adore Elizabeth and have done a wonderful job with her.  I got to hear her giggling and shrieking in the background as I talked with Dede.  As of her last check-up, she was 45th - 50th percentile in all her measurements.  She already has her bottom 2 teeth! She eats like a pro, just started rice cereal, and will be starting veggies next week after her 6-month check-up. She just started wearing 9-month clothes.  She smiles and laughs all the time and loves to play peek-a-boo.  She loves music, being rocked, and raking her little fingernails over different textures.  I think she's going to really love her soft, fluffy dog-brothers.


Dede also gave me a little background on the birth parent story.  I only know bits and pieces, and don't feel comfortable sharing at this time.  Ultimately her story is hers, but it's now intertwined with ours in the most beautiful way, and I thank God daily that she chose to give life to this precious baby girl.


We talked about all kinds of things for about a half an hour.  Then I woke Tim up so he could share my joy as Dede began to text us picture after picture of beautiful Elizabeth, from one day old to present.  She is completely gorgeous and we are so in love with her already.  I wish I could share a picture today, I SOOOOOO wish I could, but I feel I should clear that with Noel before I put pictures on Facebook or the blog, and I haven't heard back from her. 


I didn't sleep until after 4:30.  After all the pictures came in I was wide awake; it was like 1 in the afternoon instead of 1 in the morning.  So I e-mailed family in the middle of the night to share the news.  I tried to go back to bed about 2, but her smiling face kept running through my mind and my mind was in overdrive.  Tim fell back asleep quickly; I was super-jealous.  Finally about 3:15 I decided to shower so I could sleep longer in the morning.  Then I watched American Idol, ate some strawberries, and FINALLY went to bed for a couple hours at about 4:30.


I guess that's what I get for missing the sleepless newborn months, and the first 2 teeth.


Friday, May 4
Friday was a sleep-deprived, joyful blur as I worked all day and got texts, voicemails, and message after message from ecstatic family members.  On my lunch break I bought some Tazo Calm tea and melatonin.  I had a 12-mile run scheduled for Saturday and needed to sleep the night before attempting it! After work I quick went to Target for some house stuff and was sucked in like a magnet to the clearance baby clothes.  Mom: Elizabeth already has a dress for Jason and Kaili's wedding in June.  Don't buy one :) Other family: Dede has offered us anything we want from Elizabeth's baby gear, so our registry is hopelessy inaccurate.  I'll update it as soon as she and I e-mail about what we will be bringing/shipping home.

Just before going to bed, I texted Dede a couple photos of the nursery, in exchange for all the gorgeous photos she had sent me the night before.  We talked back and forth for a bit, and I got more information on where in California everyone is located, and how much travel we will actually be doing while we are out there at our various appointments. 


Today and Onward
Today I woke up after sleeping like a rock for 11 straight hours (thank you melatonin!!!) not feeling at all like I'm capable of running 12 miles today.  I'm going to try to work it in tomorrow or Monday morning, and just do 4 or 5 today.

I ate a lovely breakfast, downed 2 cups of coffee, and started typing this joyful update for all of you to see.  I am feeling so blessed and excited to share.  I can't wait to hear all your questions and comments.  We are so blown away by God's grace and mercy, and are so excited to move forward with this chapter of our lives.

We hope to travel on Sunday, May 20.  We'll run our races in Fargo the day before, travel home, and fly out the next afternoon after church. Not that we're staying here JUST to run Fargo; we just don't think we'll be ready by the 13th.  And we want to leave on a Sunday afternoon because that allows Tim to be gone for 10-12 days, only needing a guest preacher for one service.  I ran the date by Dede and it seems okay with her, so we just need to know from everyone else involved if that date is practical as far as paperwork and other appointments.  We hope, since the paperwork has already been started, to be home before the end of May.  Our second nephew is due on May 29!!! Gamma and Papa Redfield (as Jacob calls them) are in for a whirlwind week at the end of May! 


We'll be telling both our churches tomorrow after services.  SO excited for that! Those of you St. Paul's and St. Peter's members who read this... guess you got a sneak peek!


We will keep you all posted as soon as more information becomes clear.  I think the blog is the easiest way because I can go on and on and on as I have today... but we'll always link it to Facebook.  We get new details every day, but some of them are cloudy and unclear.  So I'll try to do updates once or twice a week with information that is "solid."


Blessings to you all! God is so good!

Six Months Already?

Can it really be May already? I've been turning the calendar pages, watching the weather change, and getting excited for the season finales of my favorite TV shows.  But MAY? May 1 marks six months since the glorious fall day I drove to the Cities, hand-delivered our profile books to our adoption agency, wrote out a big, fat check, treated myself to a gigantic Pumpkin Spice Latte, and drove home through the gorgeous fall colors with a goofy grin and a song of hope in my heart.  On November 1, we became a "Waiting List Family." That's a BIG DEAL.  That's the point when the phrases "average wait time," "any day now," and "I'm going out of my mind" actually mean something.

I'm skipping over a couple steps in my quest to educate my dear family and friends about the journey of Domestic Infant Adoption.  I've hardly scratched the surface of the paperwork and fundraising and soul-searching we did to get to November 1. But, in honor of today's little anniversary, let's just page ahead a few chapters, maybe peek at the pictures of what the months have been like.

The chapter about the waiting period is entitled "Thankful." Thankful to be done with paperwork. Thankful for the cute little Christmas and Easter and "because-we-felt-like-it" presents that Baby Redfield has begun to acquire.  Thankful for the courage to share our journey with others, which grows each time I post and get blown away by how much our family and friends love us and are praying for us.  Thankful for friends, old and new, struggling with some of the same issues I have, sharing their stories with me and letting me know how much my willingness to share has helped them.  They have no idea how much they have helped me, too :)

So those are the happy days, the "up" days.  These six months have included plenty of downer days, too.  I get pretty mopey from time to time.  And panicked.  And ungrateful.  And I really hate when I get like that, because my head knows that I have PLENTY to be thankful for, even while I sit and wait indefinitely for my heart's greatest desire.  So maybe, just maybe, if I write down some of these "thankful thoughts," I can turn back to them next time I get cranky, and snap out of it a little more quickly.  And maybe, just maybe, some of these "thankful thoughts" can help ease the pain and share a laugh or two with the above-mentioned friends who wait, and wait, and wait as I do.

Maybe a laugh or two from my my already-parent-friends, as well... as they think back to carefree, simpler days gone by :)

November 1 - Thankful for Starubucks and Sleep

Today I am thankful that I can afford Starbucks.  Not every day, mind you.  But more easily than I imagine I'll be able to in a year or two.  I'm pretty stingy about the budget, and I don't see that loosening once Baby comes.  I hardly slept a wink last night, knowing that today I would take this beautiful drive to do this VERY exciting thing that we have been waiting and waiting to do, turn in our books and become a "Waiting Family." It's so lovely knowing that "not being able to sleep" is a rarity at this time. Usually I sleep quite well, thank you very much. And when I have a little trouble now and then, I love that I can turn to Starbucks to help me through it.

December 1 - Thankful for Open Bathroom Doors

Having everyone for Thanksgiving was so fun, and made me really excited with all these thoughts of "by next Thanksgiving..." Shopping on Black Friday and Saturday was really fun, too... I was way more intrigued by baby stuff than Christmas gifts, since I am starting to think about our baby registry.  But seriously, as excited as I am, I just spent four days with an 18-month-old, and I am exhausted.  He is into EVERYTHING!!! For today, I am thankful that I can vacuum up the tufts of dog hair when I have time or when I feel like it, not immediately for fear my child will eat them.  And I don't yet have to baby-gate the entire house.  Or remember to close the bathroom door.  Plenty to be thankful for.

Our sweet nephew Jacob, 18 months at Thanksgiving, literally into everything!

January 1 - Thankful for Easy Travel

I simply cannot believe how loaded down this car was for Family Christmas Road Trip.  On the way out to Wisconsin, we barely had an inch to spare between presents, luggage, and dog supplies.  The trip back was a little more spacious, but not much.  We really love traveling with our doggies, and it takes so little time and thought to get them ready for a road trip.  They sleep the whole way, and we really only have to stop and let them out once between our house and Oconomowoc.  One of these days we're going to need a new vehicle when we travel, to make room for a carseat between all the presents and luggage and dog supplies.  And a U-Haul for the extra baby gear.  And hours and hours to think about and pack every last baby thing we will need while away from home.  Sigh.  Dogs are so easy.

Charlie and Sam love road trips as much as we do!

February 1 - Thankful for Football and Running

The Super Bowl is days away and I still refuse to watch a minute of it.  The Giants and Patriots? Seriously? Barf.  But at least this year I have a choice in the matter.  Next year when, not if, WHEN my beloved Packers return to the Super Bowl, I still may not watch even a minute, because Baby wants to play or scream or eat.  Who knows? How wonderful it is to zone out for an entire Sunday afternoon, knock back a couple beers, and watch hours and hours of football.  And scream at the TV without having to worry about scaring a little one.  Although it is quite fun to make the dogs jump out of their skin when Finley drops a pass.

Also in the past month, we finished our Insanity videos and started run-training again for our races in May.  Tim will be doing a marathon again and I'll be doing a half.  For now, our training runs are not too intense.  But we still have to make the time to run 4-5 days a week.  And come April and May, we'll be running for HOURS on Saturdays.  I often question how this will work with a baby in the house.  I have no answer.  Just keep running and being thankful that, for today, I can do my thing!

March 1 - Thankful for Winter Adventures

We just got back from SUCH a fun vacation up north and unanimously (the two of us and both dogs) declared it the first ANNUAL late-winter trip to the North Shore.  We excitedly called our families and tried to feel out who would be interested in joining us next year.  We thought about a larger cabin for everybody, rather than smaller hotel suites.  Then it hit me, what do people DO on vacation with baby? No all-day hiking in the winter cold, no 10-hour movie marathons waiting out a snowstorm, no grabbing the camera and quick running outside without a thought because something is beautiful, no falling asleep in the jacuzzi, no peacefully sipping lattes and enjoying 30 minutes of absolutely nothing to do. Not if we want to travel by ourselves, anyway.  We will definitely need to bring an army of family along, pack up the aforementioned U-Haul with baby gear, and learn how to "relax" very differently.

Maybe we can still winter-hike with Baby? Probably not for 8 hours, though.

April 1 - Thankful for Airplanes

It took me a while to get comfortable going away on weekends without Tim.  I know he works really hard and needs to get away, so the first year we were here I always felt I needed to stay home with him.  But he understands that I need to get away, and especially once we have kids, I will take off from time to time and go visit the Grandmas and Grandpas without him.  But in these pre-baby days, I am so thankful for the luxury of airplanes.  The price of gas is so freaking high, sometimes a single plane ticket is cheaper than driving a thirteen-hour round trip.  Once Baby comes, it might not be an option.  But for now, how amazing is it that I can fly to Chicago to visit Sara or Milwaukee to get a Jacob fix?

Visiting my dear friend Sara and her family in Chicago in March.

May 1 - Thankful for Alone Time

I have a feeling my posts are about to get much shorter, once Baby comes.  And fewer and farther between.  Maybe not.. I HOPE not... but I just have a feeling.  For today, I'm thankful for an hour of quiet alone with my thoughts, once or twice a month, to share with the world how blessed I am, and how blessed I'm about to become.