Confessions, Part Two

It's been about a month since Confessions, Part One.  August was one. tough. month.  But we seem to have moved out of the world of uncontrollable, inexplicable, all-day screaming into the realm of normal two-year-old moments of confusion, frustration, and self-expression.  Sometimes we even get entire days of happy, smiley nut-baby.  Those are the days I live for.  And the days that are a little more… um… SPECIAL, a little more “typical toddler”… I can handle them. 

 

 

The Bad Month taught me a lot! I learned that I can handle quite a bit, even more with a good pair of ear plugs, and anything with God at my side.  My love and admiration increased for my husband as he sacrificed sleep and sanity to co-shoulder my worries and struggles, despite also being a pretty challenging month for him professionally.  And I grew closer than ever to my little girl and in my understanding of her world… not to mention in my confidence that we made the right decision having me stay at home full-time with her.  Seriously… THIS kid in daycare? Ha!
 

So I figured it is high time we gave an update! I know our families worry, wishing they could “relieve” us more than once every couple months.  I also want to reassure friends who care deeply for us, and are praying for strength and wisdom for us as we navigate not only the challenges of first-time-parenthood, but also the other challenges unique to our story.  So it’s time for Confessions, Part 2.  Last month we covered the Bad and the Ugly… let’s get to the Good.  There is SO much good :)
 

 

For the past few weeks, I’ve been working on a list of the lighthearted, humorous, and truly special blessings that have become ours as Libby’s parents.  Those of you who are parents can relate to many of these on your own level, but there are a few that are truly unique to Libby and her own story.  And most of these will TRULY be “confessions.” I’m putting myself out there a bit… letting you know just how crazy and twisted I have become in the past 15 months of being Libby’s Mama.  So, without further ado…

 

 

TEN THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME ABOUT RAISING LIBBY

 

 

Part One - The Awkward and the Hilarious: Finding Joy and Humor in the Strangest Places

 

 

1.       “… But then after we got Libby…” Parents, you don’t even REALIZE how many times you have had the conversation about life before baby vs. life after baby… until you start counting the strange looks you receive when you casually drop the phrase “when we ‘got’ our baby” instead of the expected “when our child was born,” “when we ‘had’ our baby,” etc.  Oh, sure, I have others that are more socially appropriate, they’re just awkward and wordy (“when we became parents,” “when our daughter entered our lives”).  I try really hard not to use “got” with people that don’t already know, because more than likely, they will not come to the correct assumption on their own.  From the looks I get, I’m pretty sure they think I mean “got surprised by” or “got stuck with” my daughter.  But honestly I just forget sometimes.  We’re just so USED to the fact that she’s adopted, so USED to people knowing our story, that from time to time we forget and we say “got.” And then laugh on the inside as we decide whether or not to explain ourselves or let the curious stranger mull it over for a while :)
 

2.       “MEH!!!” Public Service Announcement: greeting a blind baby by grabbing her hands or rubbing her arm is NOT COOL. I know that sighted babies generally enjoy being greeted with touch, but that’s because they have already seen that you are approaching, smiling, and not trying to attack them or take them away from their mama.  But Libby’s eyes are her hands and ears.  They are her first indication of your presence.  So grabbing a blind baby’s hands while simultaneously announcing your arrival in a strange voice she wasn’t expecting to hear is pretty much the same as sneaking up behind a sighted baby and poking her in the eye to say hello.  And we encounter it ALL. THE. TIME.  One, because she’s a baby, and that’s just what strangers do, whether we want them to or not.  But seriously, it’s not just strangers.  People who KNOW she is blind still grab at her, like when we’re walking into church, or a large family party.  I used to really struggle with this one: either I have to put on my Big Girl/Mama/Libby’s Advocate Pants and tell people “hands off”, or (more often than not, unfortunately), I don’t say anything and allow her to suffer as I try to work my way as quickly as possible through the line of people waiting to touch her.  Well, as many of you know, Libby has – ahem – found her VOICE this summer, and has become more than capable of announcing her own discomfort or displeasure.  So I no longer have to worry about what to do.  Libby tells people off all on her own :} Just try grabbing her next time you see her in a confusing, noisy environment.  I guarantee she will glare at you, shout “MEH!” or some other loud, unhappy grunt, and (my favorite part) viciously slap your hand away.  And I will smile politely and say something like, "Hmmmmm, she must be tired." Hahahahahahaha.

 

 

3.       “I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips…” So I have always been an emotional basket case.  I cry when I’m happy.  I cry when I’m sad.  I once cried through miles 10-12 of a half-marathon, because I was thinking about meeting Libby for the first time (9 short days away), which made it REALLY hard to manage my breathing and keep my pace.  Music is a huge piece of that.  Songs on the radio can make me SOB at the drop of a hat.  This was okay back in the day when I was looking for love, falling in love, and simply living life.  Music is abundant, in any genre, to perfectly fit these moments of life.  Music I could relate to… music that must have been written JUST FOR ME.

 

       Even once we started veering “off road” a little bit, frustrated/anxious/wistful about not having babies, I found a song or two that spoke to me in my moments of loneliness or hopefulness.  Michael Buble’s “Haven’t Met You Yet” was a big hit about four years ago, and although I’m sure he didn’t mean the word “kid” or "baby" literally, it was my nearly perfect anthem as a Mom who wasn’t a Mom yet. 
 

I might have to wait, I'll never give up

I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck

Wherever you are, whenever it's right

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing

And, baby, your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility
 

      You can hear that jazzy beat in your head now, can't you? :)

 

             Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” was (and still is) a guaranteed tearjerker as we began

            the adoption process and wanted our future child(ren) to know just how long we had been  

            praying for and loving them. 

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought

[side note - when singing along, I substitute "God" for "Time"] Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more



 

But then Libby entered the scene.  We turned away from lonesome longing and back to love and joy… but the songs don’t quite fit right anymore.  All the songs that “work” are pretty obviously man/woman love songs, not mommy/daddy/daughter love songs.  RIGHT as we found out we were getting (ha ha ha, “getting”) Libby last spring, Hunter Hayes came out with “Wanted.”
 

 You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

The first time I heard it, I was in tears within 30 seconds.  Especially that “everything that don’t make sense” line. It’s PERFECT. All the years of waiting and wondering and life not making sense, now make PERFECT sense because of Libby.  But then the refrain starts in:
 

 'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah I, wanna make you feel wanted

And I realize he’s singing to a girl.  A pretty girl he wants to date.  Not a blind baby girl he’s about to adopt and wants to take care of forever.  And I’m sitting in the car sobbing awkwardly at a teeny-bopper love song.  Sigh.

 

 

4.       The Secret Passageway.  This is the front of our huge, five-bedroom house. 

 

 

       Pre-Libby, the room to the right was a den/piano room/office for me (facebooking and bill-paying, really) because we just have THAT MUCH SPACE.  The room to the left was the church office.  It was a perfect spot for a church office because of the hallway between the two rooms, just behind the front door.  For the most part, Tim could leave the hallway doors open and come and go into the rest of the house as he needed more coffee or a change of scenery.  But if he ever needed a private entrance for a meeting or counseling session, he could shut the den door to the hallway and close himself up in his little hideaway.  The office did have one other door to our bedroom, just behind it, but we had blocked that door from the bedroom side with one of our dressers.

 

 

Enter Libby.  We needed a second bedroom on this level, much more than we needed the luxury of a “bonus room.” The den became the church office, and then I sold my desk for adoption money and started paying bills and facebooking at the kitchen table.  The former office became our new bedroom, and once we moved the dresser, it adjoined conveniently to Libby’s new room.  Our new bedroom did not have a closet, but since the front porch door is not a primary entrance, we decided to turn that hallway into a closet and permanently close the door to the now-church-office, blocking it with a file cabinet.  So.  We now have a bigger bedroom, adjoining to our precious angel’s room, with a walk-in closet.  Perfect, right?

 

 

Except that this precious angel has SUPER-HEARING.  And we’ve blocked off our hallway exit with a file cabinet.  So our only exit is through her room.  And SUPER-HEARING.  For about a year, we exited through her room.  We learned which floorboards were creaky and tried acrobatically to avoid them, while near-silently opening and closing two doors until we were safely through her room and into our living room.  Half the time we made it.  Half the time we woke her.  She does NOT like being woken.  Her hearing was getting stronger and stronger.  Winter was over and spring had sprung.  I was tired of accidentally waking her up.  I wanted ME TIME with coffee and HGTV before she woke up.  So I started using the front porch door instead.  Yup.  First thing in the morning, before even going to the bathroom, I would fully dress myself, walk OUTSIDE through the yard in bare feet or slippers (with two giddy dogs who thought this was really fun), and sneak back into my own house through the garage or side entrance.  All to keep Libby asleep.  It was well worth it.

 

 

 

Well, as summer wore on toward inevitable snow and cold, and sometimes I just REALLY had to pee, I contemplated how we could make use of the other hallway door.  We had a file cabinet on one side and a closet unit on the other.  After a couple days of serious thought, I realized I don’t really have all that many hanging clothes.  I set aside a few for a future rummage sale and rearranged the rest, leaving the bottom hanging bar empty.  Then I cleaned and rearranged the church office and re-opened the hallway door, exposing a two-and-a-half-foot “escape” hatch that we dubbed the “Secret Passageway.”

 

 

 

Some mornings, let me tell you, it is ROUGH crawling through a little hole in the closet first thing in the morning, especially when I’m stiff and sore after a long run the day before.  But it’s an INDOOR solution, and my sanity is worth a few aches and pains.  And little houseguests, like our nephews, are beyond fascinated by our Secret Passageway :)

 

*** Whew.  I need a little break.  I have the rest of the list written but it's Packer Game Time!!! and I need to wait until later to edit/add pics/add links.  Well, I think this should be plenty for now.  I do know how to go on and on, don't I? ***