Popcorn

I know it's been over a month since my last post.  No, I haven't been in a coma, traveling a third-world country, or giving up the internet for Lent.  My heart and my mind have been full of thoughts and emotions, but nothing NEW lately.  That's just where we're at these days - kind of stuck in place, waiting and wishing.  Nothing new to report.

But then we made popcorn last night, and it finally got my mind rolling once again. I fully admit that I might be off my rocker.  I've been a little sick and woozy with allergies.  So bear with me as I attempt to make a correlation between air-pop and adoption. 

No matter how you pop - microwave, air-popper, stovetop, or other - the stages are basically the same.  You start with your kernels, barely a handful.  It's a painfully long wait for those little golden wonders to heat up, mouth watering in anticipation of the buttery goodness.  Then you hear it, that first delicious POP! Seconds pass that feel like days as you wait for another, then another.  In our air-popper, a few unpopped stowaways try to make their way into the bowl before their time. Suddenly POP POP POP POP POP POP POP - you've waited so long, and now you get to enjoy watching the white wave of popcorn roll up from the bottom of the well and erupt into your bowl.  (If you remembered to put out a bowl. I've forgotten a few times. It's frantic.) The wave of wonderful just keeps coming; you wonder how you will ever eat it all... The "pops" begin to lighten, fewer and further between.  The tidal wave lessens to a gentle roll, then to nothing.  Just a few stragglers dancing around in the popper, no intention whatsoever of turning into REAL popcorn.  Unplug.  Butter and salt.  Enjoy.  Nomnomnomnomnom.

So as I was waiting for the fun to begin, the popper "whirring away" and the kernels beginning to dance, my mind wandered to a train of thought from earlier in the evening.  I had gone to the gym after work, come home, let out the dogs, fed them, heated up some leftovers for supper, and rinsed out my lunch dishes in the sink.  The house was eerily silent with Tim gone at a meeting.  When my food was hot, I set up a TV tray in the living room, plunked down, and picked something from from the DVR list to watch while eating.  I felt like a teenager, and mom and dad were still at work.  Come home from school, clean out the lunchbox, do your chores, heat up a snack, and watch some TV.  Really, how much has my life changed since I was 14? Yes, I have a wonderful husband, and a job instead of a Trapper Keeper, but I still really only need to look out for myself.  Am I ever going to start feeling like a grown-up? When this baby comes, and my entire life begins to revolve around him or her, THEN will I feel like a grown-up?

Is there really a magic moment when people suddenly feel they're "grown up?" Maybe my problem is that I think of my parents as "grown-ups," but I don't think of them as "old."  So my perception of "grown-up" and "old age" is constantly shifting to accommodate where they are in life.  Even as adult responsibilities pile up year after year, even as we prepare a nursery and our hearts for parenting, I feel like "being a grown-up" is so far off in the future.

I wonder at what point my mom ever felt like a grown-up? I imagine I'll be getting a phone call or facebook message soon, and she'll let me know.  By the way, Mom, did you notice that I said I DON'T think of you as "old?"

It's hard to say at what point we pour the "kernels of adulthood" into our air poppers.  High school graduation, maybe? The seeds for success have been measured out, we have the tools we need, but no one would argue that we're "done" or remotely close to being "grown-ups" yet.  But that's probably the point that our popper gets plugged in, and society expects that we begin moving toward adulthood.

Of course, it takes a while before anything "pops." Lots of mistakes, goofing around, changing our plans.  Just the slightest little "ping ping ping" as we dance around the popper, resisting responsibility, refusing to pop.  Or trying SO HARD to "pop" and grow up... but we're just not hot enough yet.

That first REAL pop is a shock to the system.  The realities of life come leaping out, like a smack in the face, a shock to the system.  That first piece of actual popcorn is all alone.  No life experience to draw from, no clue how to deal with it.  It's tough.  But it's time to start learning.  Sadly, some people get dealt that first pop REALLY early in life, long before society deems them "ready" to grow up. 

Slowly, the rest of the kernels begin to follow suit.  POP.  You may have had a 4.0 in high school, but you are going to have to work for it HARD in college.  POP.  Meet your future husband.  POP. New friends from new backgrounds and experiences who start to shift your world view.  That and Profe's Spanish classes.  POP. Turn 21.  POP POP POP. Death.  Dear family friends.  People my age lose parents.  People my age even die themselves.  Aren't we too young for this?

Each "pop" seasons" us, hardens us, brings us a little closer to feeling like a grown-up.  Especially the "pops" after college: a real job, a marriage, a lease.  Buying a car, tackling debt, moving, moving, moving again.  One by one, "mom and dad's" bills become your own: cell phone, car payment, insurance, groceries... the list goes on and on.  The popcorn keeps flying out of the popper and into the bowl.  I look at my popcorn bowl of life and realize I've had so many "pops," there's more popcorn in my bowl now than left in the popper.  I'm over halfway there.  Am I a grown-up yet? Then why don't I feel like one?

Is the baby finally going to do me in? I'm sure the loss of sleep and personal space and alone time make me feel PHYSICALLY like I'm a hundred years old... but even then, will I feel like a grown-up? Or will I still feel like a kid... dumbfounded that I have a kid of my own? What will it take? A mortgage? Heartbreak? Tragedy? My own kids turning 18 and pouring their own kernels into their poppers, getting married, having kids?

I am blessed to still have all four of my grandparents alive and well.  This may be another reason I have trouble feeling like a grown-up... very few grown-ups that I know have a full set of healthy grandparents.  They're all spunky, energetic, self-sufficient, amazing.  Just in the past year or so have I noticed my mom's dad starting to have some issues, slowing down, giving us a little scare or two.  Pop pop.  Then they started to come closer together: illness, broken bones, minor surgeries.  POP POP POP.  All of the sudden this last week, he's all I can think about; he had MAJOR surgery last Friday, faces extensive rehab and care in the coming months, and has another separate scary diagnosis we haven't had time to learn anything about yet. POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP! Once it starts, when does it stop? I'm scared - we all are.  We haven't had to do this yet.  I wonder if, after this last week of watching her dad suffer and her mom sick with worry, my mom feels like a grown-up at last.

I guess there's no magic answer, is there? Just like with popcorn.  You can think it's finally done popping, unplug it, and couple more come flying out after the fact.  We're never through growing up, whether we feel we are or not.  There's always more to learn, more to teach, more to live.  We're not done popping until God says we are.

The beginning of our adoption journey took a while to pop.  First of all, it took us a looooong time to get to the right place and space to make that big decision.  Once we had everything in order and decided upon infant adoption, we filled out our "Preliminary Application" online.  This was a HUGE moment.  It meant the official start of the process for us.  The first fee we would pay.  We each cracked open a celebration beer, of course, and sat down at the computer for a long night of online questions.

Names, address, dates of birth, places of birth.  Date and place married.  Current employers. Religion.  Height and weight. Do you have any physical or mental health conditions? Do you take any prescriptions and what is their purpose? Do you have any children? Which adoption program(s) are you interested in?

That's it.  It took us about five minutes and that included proofing it.  Talk about anticlimactic.  Talk about a TINY pop! And it took Six. Long. Weeks for that little pop to get processed and approved.  Seriously?!?

The bigger pops would follow quickly.  Paper after paper to be filled out, numbers to crunch, deadlines to meet, books to read, references to submit, money to raise, profile materials to prepare - it got crazy for a couple months! I'm excited to share more about that part.  POP POP POP POP POP! That was summer/fall 2011 for us.  It just kept popping! I didn't think my bowl was big enough.

Right now things are very quiet.  Too quiet... I'm going crazy.  I have been for several months.  It's hard to believe ANYTHING will ever happen.  Sometimes I look at my bowl of "adoption popcorn" that we made last summer and think, "This is it.  Time to eat.  All we get is a pretty nursery and a wonderful experience of self-reflection." It's hard to remember we're not done popping yet.  God is still holding our Little Kernel in His hands.  All is quiet, and then POP!