At the beginning of
January, we had just gotten home from a whirlwind road trip to several spots in
Wisconsin, visiting both of our families for a short time. The trip was a blast, but too short and
jam-packed to be called refreshing or a “vacation.” Things didn’t slow down the weekend after we
returned, either, and suddenly the holidays were over and it was time to get
back to work. I was SO caught off guard
by the 10-day blur of worship services, driving 900 miles, and holiday parties. The house was a total disaster, and the
fridge was bare. So I went out for lunch
TWICE (gasp!) that week. Being the first
week of January, I was all set to get back on track with nutrition and
exercise. Also, I had a million errands
to run on my lunch breaks, so I needed something fast. Naturally, Subway was my choice both days I
went out. My first day, after
successfully navigating the meat, cheese, and toasting portions of my Subway
experience, I was dismayed to find out that cucumbers had been cut from the
veggie lineup. Apparently they were not
the most popular choice, and Subway had been throwing out more of them than it
was worth. In my head I pouted a little;
I DO love cucumbers, especially on the Buffalo Chicken. But I refrained from having a major
meltdown.
Two days later I hit the
same Subway, mentally prepared this time for a cucumber-free lunch. The lady in front of me, however, was NOT
prepared. When she asked for cucumbers
and was shot down, I thought the world was going to end. “WHAT?!? How can you not have cucumbers? That
is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!” Her exact words, SCREAMED, and
I’m not exaggerating. I wanted to
remember the experience clearly, because I immediately thought, “This is SO
going in my blog.” Was it really the dumbest thing she’d ever heard in her
life? Probably not. But based on what
she said, I have to take her at her word :)
And based on the way she was carrying on (“Seriously, this is a Wal-Mart
Subway, why don’t you just go out to the produce department and buy a cucumber?
No, I suppose you’re going to make me buy my OWN cucumber!”), I quickly judged
that she was in serious need of some life experience and perspective. She had clearly never watched the evening
news ONCE, because then it would no longer be accurate to say that Subway
discontinuing cucumbers was the dumbest thing she had ever heard in her life.
Last Sunday night, I was
about ready to forget about blogging the cucumber story. Who am I to judge her reaction to her favorite
vegetable being unavailable, given the way I reacted to the Packers’ loss? Let
me clue you in: first quarter – yelling loudly, frustrated, still hopeful. Second quarter – still yelling, a little
panicked, beginning to throw things.
Second half – dead quiet, scowling, moved to the floor instead of the
couch so I could bury my head and cry.
Two-minute warning and 45 minutes thereafter – in my bed, covers over my
head, not wanting to talk even to Tim.
The rest of the week, gradually lessening but still true today – angry,
on the verge of tears, and muting the TV every time a Super Bowl commercial
comes on.
I gave the word
“perspective” some serious thought this week.
It’s just a game, right? That was a pretty violent, passionate response
to a lost football game. Some might view
it as crazy, shake their heads at me, and think to themselves that I really
need some life experience and perspective.
But the more I thought about my definition of perspective, the more I
realized it’s okay for me to be a complete nut job about the Packers.
To define “perspective,”
I’d like to throw out the old expression “what doesn’t kill you makes you
stronger.” I’ve never been a big fan of it, because I think it’s too much of an
over-generalization. Yes, true, sometimes a difficult experience does make us stronger.
But sometimes it just makes you sad, guarded, and calloused. “Perspective” is your own
unique mindset, constantly shifting for better OR for worse, based on what life has handed you. And perspective
doesn’t mean you can’t be passionate about the little things in life; it just
means having the wisdom to acknowledge your CRAZINESS and the ability to funnel
that same passion into other, more worthwhile pursuits.
That’s why it’s so unfair
to judge how other people react to life based upon how you think YOU would
react. I have no idea what that cucumber
lady has been through in life. Maybe she
owns a cucumber farm and is upset about the economic impact this will have on
the cucumber industry. Maybe she grew up
in a home where cucumbers were a luxury, and she feels special every time she
gets to order them at Subway. Or MAYBE,
she’s a normal person who’s been through a lot in life, and cucumbers are just
one of those little things that she’s passionate about.
Part of my intent in
starting this blog was to educate our family and friends about the adoption
process (or, in the spirit of “perspective”, about OUR adoption process, since
no two journeys are the same). A couple
posts back, I wrote about the incredibly tough choice between international,
domestic, or waiting child adoption.
After choosing the domestic infant program, our next step was to choose
an agency. This step, and the months of
paperwork that followed, began teaching us a LOT about perspective.
We found ourselves
thinking seriously about three options.
The only thing they all had in common was a pile of paperwork and an
intrusive home study process. Like it or
not, we were going to have to “prove” ourselves as prospective parents, and our
commitment to children and to one another would be intensely scrutinized. One of our options was SUPER- expensive, we
called it the “Lexus Agency,” but they could just about guarantee us an infant
before the end of 2011. The other two
options were more affordable, but would result in a much longer, more
indefinite waiting period. So we would
have to make an ugly financial decision.
We would also have to choose how much openness we would be willing to
share with the birth parent(s) and their families. Each agency offered varying degrees of
openness and ongoing communication. So
without knowing the family, without knowing how we will feel once we meet that
child and bring them into our home, we would have to make a decision about how
often e-mails and photo exchange and phone calls and face-to-face meetings will
take place.
We would have to think
long and hard about all of these things before choosing an agency, because each
program was so different. Most of it was pretty hard to swallow at
first, and made us very uncomfortable. A
dear friend of mine going through the adoption process right now recently
compared all these choices we have to make and hoops we have to jump through to
“eating our vegetables” before getting dessert.
It really stinks having to check, check, check each yucky step off the
list WITHOUT the tangible comfort of that child you have SO longed for and
prayed for, there in your arms to cuddle and love. It’s so hard to keep focused on what WILL be,
and not get weighed down by the process of getting there. And that’s not unique to adoption, I’m sure
lots of you can relate on so many levels in your own unique life experiences.
At first we viewed it all
as a means to an end. As much as I hated
it, I knew it was just part of the game.
But slowly, by God’s grace, our perspective began to shift. The shift began when we were forced to accept
the realities of adoption. But the shift
CONTINUED with time, education, and prayer.
We began to see the good that could come from our situation, and the
unique opportunities we would be given, rather than viewing our essay questions
and home inspections and monstrous payments as punishments, or something we
just have to grin and bear. In the end,
we signed with Bethany Christian Services, a nationwide agency headquartered in
Michigan, with a relatively small presence in Minnesota. It was not the “Lexus Agency.” Although we would have to suffer through six months
of paperwork, and an indefinite wait thereafter to be chosen, we will ultimately
be able to afford diapers and food and electricity once the long-awaited child becomes ours.
It’s crazy to me how, in
less than a year, our perspective has shifted so much. All of the “uglies” about adoption are just
an accepted part of our life now, our new reality. And many of them have turned into
blessings. And I am more intense of a
Cheesehead than ever, because it’s such a wonderful escape from all the struggles and seriousness of this journey.
But as I pointed out earlier - I KNOW that I’m crazy - so it’s okay…
I encourage you today to
take a little time to think about how God has used the trials and triumphs in
your life to shift your perspective.
Think about goals you have, ways that you think, and how they are
different from five years ago, or before a major event took place in your
life. In some ways, you might feel
stronger. In other ways weaker… maybe
still healing. But there’s no denying that
life has shaped you, made you unique, and given you a perspective that no one
else has. And it might be just what
someone else needs to hear. Your special
perspective that you live out every day and don't even remember is special, could be SO refreshing to another person. So share it, if you’re willing, and try not
to judge others based on your own perspective.
Like me and the cucumber lady.
Maybe she just REALLY loves cucumbers.
For the rest of you that
also REALLY love cucumbers, do not fear! I heard today that Subway is bringing
them back (maybe they already have) based on customer feedback. Maybe my Cucumber Friend started a petition,
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll start a petition
to banish Eli Manning to the Canadian Football League. Ugh.
