Mighty Fortress

Happy Reformation Day! “A mighty fortress is our God, a trusty shield and weapon.”  I love, love, LOVE singing this hymn in church, and I can’t wait until Sunday for our Reformation service to do just that.  Now, I know many of you have seen the pictures I posted on facebook today of our little Honey Bee (also known as Eliza-bee and Lib-bee).  And although the costumes are fun and the candy is right up there, too, I wanted to make sure everybody knows that I started my October 31 with grateful, prayerful thoughts about the blessings of the Lutheran Reformation… due in large part to the many of you posting songs and Scripture and your own devotional thoughts.  So thanks for turning the wheels in motion bright and early this morning and getting me thinking (and now blogging) about our God, our Mighty Fortress, for an appropriate amount of time BEFORE dressing up the cutest little bumblebee the world has ever seen and parading her around town :)

 

I love that Scripture paints so many different pictures of our God.  We follow Him as our Good Shepherd, we pray to Him as our Father and our dear Brother, we collapse into His loving embrace as our Gentle Savior.  And today especially, we praise and honor Him as our Mighty Fortress.  Not a blanket fort that can be quickly folded and put away.  Not a tree-house built of scraps and dreams.  Not even the strongest, most imposing of earthly castles, seemingly impenetrable in its prime, yet today abandoned, rickety, aging, empty.  We’re talking about an everlasting, all-powerful, never-failing God.

 

Early this morning a dear friend gave me some food for thought.  She asked me if I have ever really thought about what a BLESSING infertility has been and thanked God for the experience (she’s recently gone through quite the rigmarole herself). I thought and thought about it, and realized I haven’t.  My mind has acknowledged the beauty of God’s plan in bringing Libby to us, and I’ve thanked Him for the road we had to travel because I was able to support and be supported by some wonderful friends.  But actually THANKED Him for the very thing that tore me up inside for years and caused me so much hurt and shame?

 

It seems crazy.  It’s easy enough to do long after the fact, when we’ve had time to see The Plan unfold and our human minds now comprehend a teeny bit of the plan.  But while it’s going on? While we’re being barraged and assaulted, while the walls are crumbling around us?

 

Yep.  She was right. Because He is right.  Right and good and perfect. We’re instructed in His word to praise Him in all circumstances.  And that doesn’t mean just to praise Him DESPITE our struggles, for all the other blessings apparent in our life.  That means to look those trials straight in the face and say “THANK YOU, LORD,” whether or not you understand why you’re saying it. 

 

What is a fortress? The first and easiest answer that comes to mind is a structure of protection.  God gives many examples in His word and in our lives of how He protects us, and promises that He always will.  He does not promise that we will always understand His every call as our Commander in Chief.  Sometimes He does things to protect us and keep us close to Him that baffle us completely… we’re crushed by pain or hurt or grief and what the sinful world is doing TO us in this trial, rather than recognizing what our God may be doing FOR us through this trial.  But He never stops loving, protecting, and directing all things for our good.  He wraps His everlasting arms around us, mighty as the massive stone walls surrounding a fortress.

 

Life was never perfect inside the walls of those ancient structures, nor are our lives perfect, even with the love of our Lord wrapped around us.  Sin creeps into every corner.  Sometimes the greatest threat to the security of the fortress is internal.  History is full of accounts in which greed, anger, jealousy, or despair crumbled an empire from within, and the same things happen within us.  But he gives us the tools we need to protect the treasure of the faith He has begun in our hearts.

 

Alongside the pain and ugliness that resides within the fortress are some beautiful, wonderful blessings, as well.  A city of believers, full of praise and encouragement, knowing just the right thing to say, exactly what we need to hear.  A loving smile, a warm embrace, a promise that you will be lifted up in prayer.  As I live my life wrapped in God’s protecting arms, I’ve felt His love through my friends and family so many times and am SO THANKFUL that He has let them into my life.  And I cherish the opportunities I am given to be that person to someone else who needs it.

 

And what else does our God, our Mighty Fortress give to us? Yes, He is our “trusty shield,” but he’s also our “weapon.” He gives us both defense AND offense.  He doesn’t just place us His arms to lie still and let Him do all the heavy lifting.  He gives us weapons of our own through His word and sacrament: promises and reassurances and actual, historical accounts of how He has provided for centuries of believers before us.  We take those promises and hurl them at the world.  Occasionally we can zero straight in on our target, understanding perfectly how God will protect us and work for our good.  More often than not, we can’t get a good shot.  We close our eyes, draw back, and let our Savior’s arrow fly, not knowing where it will hit.  “I don’t know, God, HOW you are ever going to get me out of this one, or WHEN I will ever see the other side, but you promised me, you PROMISED, and I’m taking your word for it.”

 

And that’s what I’m determined to do better after talking with my friend this morning: hurl those arrows of God’s word blindly at my earthly troubles.  I don’t have to know where they’re going to hit, I only need to know that they will accomplish their purpose.  I look those trials straight in the face, I thank my Lord for any blessing He has designed here for me, and then I deliver the knock-out punch: God’s promise to ALWAYS work for the good of those who love Him.  Then I close my eyes and lean back on my Savior’s loving arms.  "On earth is not His equal."

 

 

And maybe I also think a bit about my Little Baby Bumblebee :)

Still the Same

 

Six months ago it was April 13, just after Easter.  The weather was damp and cool, the trees were bare, and the fields were dark, muddy brown.  We were both in pretty awesome shape, with a month to go until our spring races.  Blog posts were few and far between; I was busy, busy, busy and bored with waiting for news.  But when inspiration struck, and I could wrestle the computer away from Tim, I could sit in peace and quiet for two hours and whip one out.  We were excited for the next addition to our family: Tim’s sister was due to deliver our second nephew, Lucas, in about six weeks.  I was putting in way more hours than I wanted to at work, but in a week, I would be taking a Friday off and flying to Milwaukee to surprise family for a cousin’s baby shower.  I was big into flying away for quick weekends last spring; flights were cheaper than driving and it was such an easy way to get away by myself.  Tim and I were waiting every day for the phone call that might change our lives. 

 

It would come in three days.  April 16.  Yet another day on the calendar that will be special to Libby’s story.  Adopted kiddos get so many special days to celebrate… it’s wonderful.  Funny enough, April 16 was already a pretty great day in both our families, my dad’s birthday and Tim’s parents’ anniversary.  Now it’s extra-special.

 

Today it’s the middle of October, just after… Columbus Day, I guess.  The weather is cool and lovely, a relief after summer’s heat, but so very dry.  The trees are blazing red and gold and green, and the newly-harvested fields are flat and golden.  I’m in pretty awful shape :) My last race was that Half in May, I rocked over 20 minutes off my 2011 time - now I huff and puff my way through a 5k. Blog posts are still few and far between, because I’m busy, busy, busy.  Inspiration strikes often, but every time I get the computer all to myself, I can sit for about 10 minutes before Little Miss decides that Independent Time is over and it’s now Mommy Play Time (which is wonderful, I’m not complaining).  Sometimes it take me a week to write a post, bit by bit.  As it turns out, Lucas was not the next addition to our family, but he was close: born June 4, the day after we flew home from California with Libby.  I’m back to blissful part-time hours at work, and I have to enforce them strictly because daycare is now a factor.  Going away for a weekend is no longer quick, or easy, or by myself… and never on a plane.   SO MUCH has changed since the day that phone call came that changed our lives.

 

It’s pretty clear from my posts and my statuses and my tripled caffeine intake and the condition of my house and the fact that I wear a ponytail every. single. day that a lot has changed in the last six months.  Of course it has: we brought a baby into our home.  Even strangers in the grocery store smile knowingly when they admire her and guess her age and remember how drastically their lives changed when their first child was brought home.

 

So much is different now, that was no surprise. Of course I knew things would BE different.  The surprise plays out as we learn HOW things are different.  How we can function on three hours of sleep and how baby food is surprisingly delicious and how her laughing and singing and cooing and blowing bubbles can stop us in our tracks and dissolve us in giggles, far more riveting than anything we previously considered “entertainment.”

 

Another big surprise, though, is how certain things will never change.  Things I would have thought I wanted to change… now I’m starting to think it’s really okay that they stay the same.  Like my messy house.  I thought that the with change from working 32 hours a week to 20, my house would look great.  BAHAHAHAHA.  Cue the laughing moms.  Of COURSE it’s still a disaster.  Caring for Libby and carting her around from appointment to appointment, strapping and unstrapping the carseat over and over and over again, diaper breaks, pushing the cart a little slower when she falls asleep, and so much more that I’m not thinking of at this moment… all of that takes WAY more than my newfound 12 hours of “free” time from work.  So the house comes last, which really disappointed me at first.  And while I’ll admit that the messes still bring me to tears from time to time, I’m learning that the stacks of dishes and papers and laundry are signs that my life is full and blessed and beautiful.  I remember a wall hanging my mom had while we were growing up: “A spotless house is the sign of a dull woman.” It’s so hard to remember, and I’m sure I’ll lose it again soon, but I just need to count the blessings, not the “stuff” that’s out of place!

 

I thought I might be able to relax a little more during football season, gaining some perspective as a new parent and become a little more reasonable, less crazy of a Packer fan.  True, we WATCH football a little differently now: we DVR almost every game and end up starting late after a nap or errands or church activity (hence the absence of my gameday play-by-play facebook commentary, much to the relief of my non-Packer or non-football-fan friends). But once it’s on, it’s ON.  It’s more intense than ever, or maybe it just seems that way because the Pack is off to such a sputtering start this year.  I may not scream and yell as loud when Libby’s asleep, but as I sit on that couch and sweat it out, covering my eyes, heart racing, TOTALLY overreacting… I’m so happy it’s still the same.  I need that escape.  Newsflash: I KNOW that football is really not that big of a deal.  But there’s a lot going on in my world that IS a big deal, and it feels so wonderful for three hours (or an entire Sunday afternoon now that we have Sunday Ticket) to completely stress about something relatively insignificant.

 

Here’s something I once thought I might escape, forget, move past once “Future Baby” became a reality: the sting of the years and years that we waited for her.  The pain and the worry and the days of bitter jealousy and despair.  Having her here, home, REAL is the absolute joy of my life.  But she doesn’t “erase” the pain of the past few years.  And I’m realizing not only is that okay, it’s a HUGE blessing.  I always knew God had a reason and a plan in allowing those years of struggle, so it was silly and short-sighted for me to ever think those memories would fade away once our prayers got answered.  Those years served a purpose not only in bringing us together with the precious girl He intended to be ours, but also in learning from the journey itself, and helping others going through the same thing. 

Libby doesn’t bring hope and peace and joy to our family alone.  She, and others like her, are PROOF to those still waiting and hurting that God answers prayers and makes miracles happen.  I will never forget what we went through to bring her home, and I will NEVER stop “needing” the people who got me through it, because they truly understand the daily battles I once faced, and may face again one day.  Some of them are still waiting and struggling, and I continue to pray for them, to hope and to dream for them.  I learned and grew SO MUCH through the experience, and I can’t believe I ever, ever wanted it to all just go away.  Every tear we ever cried made Libby that much more precious.  Every second we waited made her more loved.  Every prayer we raised brought us closer to our Savior, and made it clearer and clearer that she is a Gift from above, nothing we could ever have imagined or believed or made happen on our own.

 

Certainly a lot has changed since April 16, and in three days our family will celebrate all those changes that took place since the day the phone rang and we first heard the name “Elizabeth.” But today (and tomorrow: Game Day) I am thanking and praising God for all the things that are still the same and will probably never change.  Especially His love and mercy.

Pumpkin Spice

It should come as no secret that I LOOOOOOVE fall.  The leaves changing color, the chill in the air, football starting up again, soups and roasts and yummy apple or pumpkin desserts… fall chills my hands and cheeks, and warms my heart.  Call me a weirdo, but I see summer as the season I have to “suffer through” to get to fall.  I hate, hate, hate being hot and sweaty and SO look forward to my favorite season, when I can layer up, rake leaves, and drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte once again.

Something about fall gives me butterflies of anticipation. Maybe I’m looking forward to the upcoming holidays, or the first beautiful snow of the year, I don’t know.  But the first few weeks of fall put a song in my heart and just make me feel giddy and hopeful and anxious… the “good” kind of anxious.  I find myself doing a lot of thinking and praying and dreaming about the future.

For the past few years, that season of autumn hopefulness was filled with thoughts of bringing a child into our family.  Someone else to bundle and cuddle and play in the leaves with.  In 2010, I distinctly remember my first Pumpkin Spice of the year being a “treat” to make myself feel better after a pretty awful hospital appointment, trying desperately to figure out the cause of infertility.  In 2011, my first Pumpkin Spice of the year wasn’t until November 1, the day we turned in our profile books and became a “Waiting Family,” I day I know I’ve talked about here before. Wow, what a difference a year had made.

In 2012, my first Pumpkin Spice was a treat from Dede, a “feel better” drink after her 49ers smashed my Packers the day before, as the four of us pushed Libby around the Mall of America in her stroller on a sunny Monday morning.  My, my how things have changed once again.

This fall, I am filled as always with hopes and dreams and butterflies.  I just love this season so much.  But how completely wonderful to finally hold that beautiful little person in my arms and know exactly who it is that I’ve been dreaming about.  To wish and pray about HER future now, not just mine.

I’d love to hear, what’s the season that gets YOU dreaming and hoping? Thinking back on the last few years, as your favorite season comes and goes, how wonderfully has your life changed? Enough about me :)