Birthday Girl: 4

Dearest Nut Baby,

They say it’s going to be unseasonably warm today.  Like possibly 70 degrees.  In Minnesota.  In November.  The blazing trees still carry brilliant shades of red and orange and gold.  Sometimes I think maybe it’s still September and that windstorm last week just blew us a few pages ahead on the calendar… and that means you will still be my little three-year-old for weeks and weeks.

It seems that nature, just like this mama’s heart, simply cannot fathom that the third of November is upon us again.  Four.  FOUR! Four is when you can start to shop in the Girls’ Department.  Four is when school is a Real Thing.  Four is when your mama loses her mind because it’s just. not. possible.

But once again I take a step back, just like when you turned three, and two, and one.  I force myself to see through the tears that yes, we are really, truly here once again.  You have earned your FOUR.  You have worked HARD this year!  You have amazed me and pushed me and made me so proud.  I won’t dissertate on all the astounding accomplishments and staggering steps you took this past year.  That’s what my Facebook wall is for. Mama’s BragBook.  I just want to take a moment on your big day to tell you about my absolutely, positively, most favorite thing you learned this year.

Ever since you became ours, your daddy and I have fielded compliments about how pretty you are and how amazing and how determined.  And all of those are true and leave me beaming.  And usually crying.  But another one we hear a lot is how wonderful WE are for having chosen to become your parents.  That one is a little tougher to swallow.  Today is not the time or place for all the reasons why it’s awkward and not quite right – that’s another dissertation waiting to be written.

Although we don’t feel that our choice really sets us apart from any other parent, the fact of the matter remains, we DID choose you.  We chose to be open to adopting a child with special needs, because we felt it lined up with how we would have handled a biological pregnancy.  We chose to be considered for you specifically, because our hearts were bursting with love to share and the anticipation of becoming parents.  We chose to say YES when we were chosen for you, because we were madly in love with you after just two weeks, and we knew we could face any challenges lying in wait with our Savior by our side.

Since we became your parents, we continue to choose you day after day, just like all the other moms and dads.  We choose to hang out at home a lot more, because that’s where you are comfortable.  We choose to work opposite shifts and see one another less, because you really need us to be available to be with you full-time right now.  We choose to push through and be present when we are exhausted, discouraged, or upset with you.  We choose to be adaptable and resourceful and advocate for you, because we have been given the awesome responsibility of teaching you how to understand this world, and the world how to understand you.

Just like all the other moms and dads, we choose you, our dear one, every day.  We choose your needs above our own.  Why do we do it? There are a lot of fine and noble reasons.  There are also some kinda selfish reasons.  Like being loved by you in return.  The hugs and slobbery kisses, the smiles, hearing your tiny voice say “mama”…

Sweet Libs, I have loved you since the first day I read about you in an e-mail.  My love for you is unconditional and will never, ever depend upon how much love I feel in return.  But let me tell ya, kid.  It sure makes it easier.  It makes my world bright and beautiful.  Feeling loved by you makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

You and I struggled hard together this year, kiddo.  I’m feeling pressure because you’re getting older and I have to make big decisions about your future.  The temptation to compare you with your peers is stronger than ever, now that you’re school age.  I’ve had some dark days trying to feel worthy of the honor of being your mama.  And this year, just when I needed it most… you began to choose me, too.  Attachment and bonding does not come automatically immediately in adoption.  You’ve known me as your mama for years know.  But this year – this blessed year – you began to realize what that really means.

You began to cuddle.  Not just when you’re sick or upset.  But like a regular part of each day, after nap and juice.  You lean in close and we make silly sounds and we tickle and you could just sit with me for hours. 

You began to cry out when I’m not there.  When you can’t feel me beside you.  Sometimes it’s infuriating because I just need two minutes to make your lunch or go to the bathroom.  But when I take a deep breath and really think about it – it’s totally precious.  You want me there with you, every second.  You are choosing me.

You give big bear hugs.  You say mama and daddy clearly.  You reach out for me in church, just to make sure I’m still beside you, even when you’re comfortable and happy. 

This year, you began to choose me.  To consider me your safe place.  Your mama.  You can’t tell me yet that you love me.  But somewhere among all the rough patches of the past year, I began to feel in my heart what I already knew in my head.  You choose me, over everybody else (except Daddy sometimes).  You love me, just as much as I love you.

And that, my pumpkin pie, is my very most favoritest thing you learned to do this year.