I've always been a person who cares waaaay too much what other people think of me. I know, I know, "be true to yourself and your Savior, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks." But it's just a weakness I've always struggled with. So I can't say that there was ever a point that the "comments" didn't bother me.
"That baby looks awfully good on you, when are you having one of your own?" "Any news yet?" "Are you two ever gonna get cracking, or do you just want to raise dogs for the rest of your lives?"
The reminder of what was "missing" in my life stung a little. There were times when I could expect an interrogation, like a family reunion, baby shower, or meeting our new church families for the first time. I could prepare myself, guard myself a little bit against the feelings of loss. But what always stung the most, and what I could never prepare enough for, were the "knowing" looks in people's eyes, the implications and assumptions that accompanied the words. The reality of infertility, I could deal with. But "what people thought" of me... that was a whole other story. People had no idea how desperately I "wanted" to be a mother. People assumed that waiting was a "choice." People wondered when I would feel settled enough, secure enough, ready enough, and I was already all of those things! It just wasn't happening!
This is tough to write, because inevitably someone is going to "feel bad." A dear friend or family member is going to read this and suddenly recall a conversation they had with me years ago, and bang their head against a wall because now they realize the impact those words really had.
Please, please, PLEASE do not bang your head against a wall. I love you! And I KNOW you had no idea what we were going through, no idea how those words made us feel, and no intention of hurting us. So back away from the wall! It's not like I wore a sandwich board every day that said "I want a baby and it's just not happening so please don't bring it up." Very few people knew what we were going through, because it's just not something that people talk about. It's uncomfortable, and it makes people sad. And although it touches a lot of lives, infertility is not something you ever really think about until you, or someone close to you has gone through it. Even if you ARE aware of it, it's still really hard to know the right thing to say, or what NOT to say.
So I have two pieces of advice, if you want them. The first is to be aware. Refrain from making assumptions. And I'm not just talking about my situation, and the comments I endured. ANY situation where it appears that someone is making a "choice" that you don't understand. I observe apparent "choices" every day that I don't understand, and my sinful nature continues to make snap judgments about the people making those choices. But my awareness has definitely increased through all of this, and I feel I've been given more compassion and understanding than I used to have. The ability to re-think my snap judgments, consider what others might be going through, and even remember to pray for those people. And now, after reading this, please don't think that each and every childless couple married for a certain number of years must be dealing with infertility and on the verge of an adoption plan. That, too, would be an assumption. They MIGHT be making a choice to wait, and it might be for perfectly appropriate, God-pleasing reasons. The point is to try harder to, maybe even pray for the strength to, withhold judgment.
The second piece of advice I have is to not worry about hurting feelings. It sounds conflicting, I know. But it makes sense. As I began to let a person or two know what we were experiencing, I noticed a lot of "tiptoeing." Once aware, people were extra-cautious not to hurt my feelings or upset me. Which I deeply, deeply appreciated... but that almost made it worse. Because now my personal struggle was affecting the degree to which my friends felt comfortable sharing their hilarious stories about their children's antics, or sharing joyful pregnancy news. Not only was my struggle making ME sad, and making other people sad FOR me, but I could not handle that it was causing my loving, well-intentioned friends to feel any degree of guilt over the beautiful blessings they had been given. Do not ever, ever, ever feel guilty that God has blessed you so richly. To do so would be to question His plan. We ALL have struggles... infertility is one of mine, and I'm sure you have plenty of your own. I promise I will pray for you, and I ask you to pray for me, but let's promise never to feel guilty for our blessings! Let's not worry so much about the "right thing" to say. Let's just be honest and real, let one another know how much we care, be clear about how much support we want or don't want, and pray, pray, pray for one another!
So, CLEARLY, having this miserable secret took its toll on me. You can see I had way too much time alone with my thoughts, way too many opportunities to over-analyze well-intentioned questions. One of the ways I sought to cope with my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness was to start a journal of letters to my future babies. At the risk of looking very silly, and having this post go from "way long" to "uber-long," I'd like to share a few of the earliest entries:
August 9, 2009:
I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to know you. And I want to find some way for you to know me, too. The real me. Not your mom who yells and gets frustrated and makes you clean up your stuff all the time. The REAL me.
I don't want to wait any longer. Why wait until you are real? I decided that if I start writing you now, then you will know just HOW MUCH your daddy and I already love you and want you in our lives.
We have been trying to start our family for almost a year... Someday God will bless us with you. We will laugh and cry and be SO happy. Maybe that is why it is taking so long now - so we can remember in 18 years when you're sneaking out and breaking curfew just how much we love you... have always loved you... even before you came to be. Love, Mom
August 26, 2009:
...We live in such a beautiful home right now (Darwin, MN). Whenever people come over and look at all the room we have, they tell us the house is just meant to be FILLED with kids. Fine by me!
I really hope you can join us soon in this home. It is just SO country. Big wide-open farm fields surround the house on all sides (except for the cemetery across the road). HUGE kitchen for little helpers to work with Mom. Large bedrooms upstairs for you to play and dream. So much room to run around outside. So many people, in both churches, ready and waiting to love you. And Charlie [our chocolate lab], he gets WAY too much naptime. He needs some little people to chase him around and pull on his tail and ride on his back and just really terrorize him...
September 9, 2009:
It's a funny day today: 9-9-09... and I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. We're ALWAYS thinking of you.
So many friends have cute pictures of their kids up on Facebook, or tell adorable stories about what they did. Truly, it doesn't annoy me... I feel like it should, but really it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like it's a little preview of what I have coming.
God has a plan for our family. I believe that. It sure as heck isn't MY plan, because you'd be here by now. But Dad and I have been praying a lot - for patience, trust, understanding...
Someday soon you will be here. I'm hoping by 10-10-10! But if not even by then, know that every extra day we have to wait is a day we come to love you MORE, before you even get here. Love, Mom
What a joy, my friends, what an ABSOLUTE JOY to share these letters with you. Because now you know just how long, just how deeply I have longed for a child. And because I'm weak and silly and I care way too much about what you think, that is really, REALLY important to me. I love reading these first letters, because they were so full of joy and optimism. Later on, there were some REALLY long gaps between letters because I didn't want to share with my future children just how bitter, just how hopeless I was feeling. Then, starting in March of 2011, the entries were suddenly full of hope and excitement again.
There were a lot of reasons that was such a happy month for us: starting an adoption plan meant my miserable medical journey could come to an end. We were DOING SOMETHING about our problem, taking charge. We were praying constantly. Our families were overjoyed.
But one of the happiest parts was SHARING. Those of you who have been blessed with getting pregnant, getting engaged, or getting a fabulous job promotion: remember the waves of joy you experienced... first finding out the news for yourself... then letting your mind run wild as you dream about the future... and then joy after joy as you got to SHARE your news. Telling our adoption news was such a huge, happy relief. Not only did I have amazing news to share, but at the same time I got to answer all the questions, STOP all the assumptions dead in their tracks.
Step 1: call our closest family and friends. Step 2: a private facebook message to about 20 friends/family who knew of our struggles and had been wonderfully supportive over the years. Step 3: e-mail extended family. Step 4: publicly announce our joy on facebook. Step 5: as we continued facebooking our progress, more and more people found out who hadn't seen our first announcement. Step 6: tell our church families. Step 7: tell random strangers that we're adopting, like the Craiglist lady I bought my crib from who was eyeing my tummy and clearly wondering if I was really pregnant (which I took as a huge compliment).
Step by step, we got to spread smiles and hugs and joy. Step by step, the awkward questions and comments came to a stop. Step by step, we received an overwhelming response of support. People thank me for using this blog to share intimate details of our journey, for being "so open and honest" about what we have experienced. Truly, I have to thank all of you for ALLOWING me to be so open and honest. It is such a wonderful release. It is such an honor to drone on endlessly about myself and hear that people CARE! It is such a privilege to share my experiences and know that they comfort and reassure someone else. It is such an encouragement to read your comments and messages. It is such a faith-builder to hear that so many are praying for us, and it helps me to remember to say MY prayers for all of you! And it is SUCH a joy to continue sharing new aspects of our happy news. It keeps me positive, strong, close to my Lord, and ever-so-excited for all that life has in store. THANK YOU!!!
(And thank you, Angela Hager, for the tip on this wall quote from Etsy. I ordered it the minute we got the nursery painted!)
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