No More Resolutions

The word “timeline” has been bouncing around inside my head for the past couple days.  It’s probably got more than a little to do with the fact that everybody and their brother has switched to, is contemplating, or is avoiding the new Facebook timeline format.  And then there’s the whole New Year thing, when everybody, whether or not they admit it, thinks about the past, present, and future, and how they would like to change in the coming year.  And then I had a birthday last week! The last birthday of my twenties, 365 more days to accomplish a whoooooole lot of stuff I promised myself I would do before I was 30.  Actually, 366 days.  Thank God for the Leap Year.

Good thing I don’t really do the resolution thing anymore, or this coming year might have gotten very stressful.  I spent a lot of my life making resolutions, and I honestly can’t remember a single one I’ve ever kept perfectly.  Most of them get off the ground at least, but completely fulfilled within the timeline I set up? Never.  And then, rather than celebrating all the good that came from my hard work, I just focus on the failed resolution and get bummed out and lose motivation and just want to sleep and eat chocolate.  Bad, bad, bad!

Goals are wonderful and noble things.  They push us to be better stronger, happier people.  But they can be deeply discouraging when they are not met on OUR timeline.  Sometimes we fail due to our own laziness, lack of willpower, or other fault.  And other times, we fail for reasons we just can’t control.  It’s all about remembering WHO is in control… and it’s not me.  I can make myself promises about what I’ll accomplish in the next 366 days until I’m blue in the face.  I can make changes, work hard, push beyond what I thought were my limits… but ultimately, I’m not in charge.  There is just no way that we can understand God’s timeline, God’s plan, God’s will for our lives, because our puny human brains would just explode.  God’s timeline has so many more dimensions than our timelines do.  God has ONE eternal timeline, and all people who have ever walked on this earth have their place on it.  The events and the deadlines on His timeline don’t just take into consideration what Megan Redfield needs – He perfectly fulfills the needs of every single other person affected by each event in my life and in each of your lives.  His reasoning is so far beyond our comprehension, that for us to try to superimpose our silly, one-dimensional timeline over His is simply ridiculous.

So here it is, the dumbest thing I ever put on a “timeline.”  It wasn’t ever actually a New Year’s Resolution, more a wish that grew stronger and more desperate every year… I just HAD to have kids before 30.  Every month that ticked away, I got a little more sad and scared, and I dreaded 29.  Because if I wasn’t pregnant by 29, and things were starting to look that way, then…

Then what? What horrible, awful thing will happen if I’m not a mom by 30? Tonight I’m having a really hard time finishing that sentence, remembering what was so terrifying, because at some point in the last few months I was FINALLY able to drop the “baby deadline” from my own timeline, and place it on God’s.

The process of dumping your own timeline and boarding God’s is one of major trust.  First, you have to acknowledge that you just don’t have a clue, and hand over the driver’s seat of control to someone else.  And you don’t even get to ride shotgun, lest you think you’re the navigator.  You’re in the backseat. Then, you have to stop questioning, doubting, asking Him if He needs to see the map or pull over for directions.  No backseat drivers allowed! Finally, you have to be so, so very patient.  You’re allowed to ask “are we there yet?” but He’s not obligated to answer.  He alone knows how many stops are necessary, what kind of repairs you will need along the way, and when the absolute perfect time to arrive will be.

Now, it’s not like I just woke up one morning and hopped off my timeline and willingly landed on God’s and have never looked back.  Not even close.  I still find myself tiptoeing back, sometimes even spending a day or two visiting it, curled up in a moody, self-centered, unmotivated ball on the couch.  Like when we finished our final paperwork and our profile book in October and turned in our payment and SUDDENLY we were on the “waiting list.” The list of couples who can be chosen at any moment.  Two days, two months, two years (I pray not!!!)… ANY moment.  I freaked out! I’d been in this weird time-warp of paperwork for six months.  I filled out paper after paper about why I want a child, what makes me fit to get a child, how I will discipline a child, how my own childhood experiences will shape my parenting, and a million other questions about my future as a parent, but until that day that we got on the “list,” it didn’t really hit me what we had been working towards… a baby! In this house! I have a million things to buy, read, clean, register for… yikes! And it could be tomorrow, I better HURRY! So my freak-out lasted about two weeks and I got a lot of work done and plans made, and a beautiful nursery nearly completed, but at the end of it I found myself burnt out, bummed out, and no closer to the answer to my question, “are we there yet?”  After that, just in time for Christmas, I got cranky for a couple weeks (hence, no blogging) and focused on the other end of the spectrum.  This could take years, people, YEARS.  Who cares about daycare? A pediatrician? Who cares about registering for gifts? Screw it.  I don’t want to think about this now, it’s just depressing.

It took about a month of stupid, silly mood swings to realize I was dwelling on my own timeline once again.  I’m not in control! I don’t have the answers! NO, I don’t know when.  It could be sooner, it could be later.  But God, in His wisdom and love, has promised to never, ever give me more than I can handle.  So I don’t have to freak out, because although it might be soon, it won’t be sooner than I can handle.  And I don’t have curl up in a mopey ball and avoid the coming reality, because although it might take long, it won’t take longer than I can handle.  So it’s time to quit pouting and just keep treading along, working faithfully, TRUSTING, and praying.

The adoption process has been such a blessing for me, and one of the ways is that it has helped me to explore the beauty of living on God’s timeline.  At first it was just the baby thing, naturally, because the adoption process simply doesn’t fit on a human timeline.  There are too many pieces, too many people involved, too many dimensions.  But once I let that go, it felt so good that I let a couple other things go to God’s timeline, too.  I still work hard toward those things that I once would have called resolutions, but just don’t set deadlines.  God does that part.  And that frees me up a whole lot more to enjoy the ride.  You know, the old destination vs. journey debate.  So, dear friends, if you’re on a timeline… if you’re pressuring yourself to finish something up this year or before a certain birthday - meet that perfect person, finally land the job you deserve, meet a fitness goal, start a family, whatever it is - I challenge you to do ALL you can, push yourself, work hard… but don’t beat yourself up, or get frantic or mopey like me, about things that are beyond your control.  Turning your deadlines over to God is wonderfully freeing and can only serve to bring you closer to Him, the one who cares for you, provides for your every need, and has a plan for you.