Gaining Perspective

At the beginning of January, we had just gotten home from a whirlwind road trip to several spots in Wisconsin, visiting both of our families for a short time.  The trip was a blast, but too short and jam-packed to be called refreshing or a “vacation.”  Things didn’t slow down the weekend after we returned, either, and suddenly the holidays were over and it was time to get back to work.  I was SO caught off guard by the 10-day blur of worship services, driving 900 miles, and holiday parties.  The house was a total disaster, and the fridge was bare.  So I went out for lunch TWICE (gasp!) that week.  Being the first week of January, I was all set to get back on track with nutrition and exercise.  Also, I had a million errands to run on my lunch breaks, so I needed something fast.  Naturally, Subway was my choice both days I went out.  My first day, after successfully navigating the meat, cheese, and toasting portions of my Subway experience, I was dismayed to find out that cucumbers had been cut from the veggie lineup.  Apparently they were not the most popular choice, and Subway had been throwing out more of them than it was worth.  In my head I pouted a little; I DO love cucumbers, especially on the Buffalo Chicken.  But I refrained from having a major meltdown. 

Two days later I hit the same Subway, mentally prepared this time for a cucumber-free lunch.  The lady in front of me, however, was NOT prepared.  When she asked for cucumbers and was shot down, I thought the world was going to end.  “WHAT?!? How can you not have cucumbers? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!” Her exact words, SCREAMED, and I’m not exaggerating.  I wanted to remember the experience clearly, because I immediately thought, “This is SO going in my blog.” Was it really the dumbest thing she’d ever heard in her life? Probably not.  But based on what she said, I have to take her at her word :)  And based on the way she was carrying on (“Seriously, this is a Wal-Mart Subway, why don’t you just go out to the produce department and buy a cucumber? No, I suppose you’re going to make me buy my OWN cucumber!”), I quickly judged that she was in serious need of some life experience and perspective.  She had clearly never watched the evening news ONCE, because then it would no longer be accurate to say that Subway discontinuing cucumbers was the dumbest thing she had ever heard in her life.

Last Sunday night, I was about ready to forget about blogging the cucumber story.  Who am I to judge her reaction to her favorite vegetable being unavailable, given the way I reacted to the Packers’ loss? Let me clue you in: first quarter – yelling loudly, frustrated, still hopeful.  Second quarter – still yelling, a little panicked, beginning to throw things.  Second half – dead quiet, scowling, moved to the floor instead of the couch so I could bury my head and cry.  Two-minute warning and 45 minutes thereafter – in my bed, covers over my head, not wanting to talk even to Tim.  The rest of the week, gradually lessening but still true today – angry, on the verge of tears, and muting the TV every time a Super Bowl commercial comes on.

I gave the word “perspective” some serious thought this week.  It’s just a game, right? That was a pretty violent, passionate response to a lost football game.  Some might view it as crazy, shake their heads at me, and think to themselves that I really need some life experience and perspective.  But the more I thought about my definition of perspective, the more I realized it’s okay for me to be a complete nut job about the Packers.

To define “perspective,” I’d like to throw out the old expression “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I’ve never been a big fan of it, because I think it’s too much of an over-generalization.  Yes, true, sometimes a difficult experience does make us stronger.  But sometimes it just makes you sad, guarded, and calloused.  “Perspective” is your own unique mindset, constantly shifting for better OR for worse, based on what life has handed you.  And perspective doesn’t mean you can’t be passionate about the little things in life; it just means having the wisdom to acknowledge your CRAZINESS and the ability to funnel that same passion into other, more worthwhile pursuits.

That’s why it’s so unfair to judge how other people react to life based upon how you think YOU would react.  I have no idea what that cucumber lady has been through in life.  Maybe she owns a cucumber farm and is upset about the economic impact this will have on the cucumber industry.  Maybe she grew up in a home where cucumbers were a luxury, and she feels special every time she gets to order them at Subway.  Or MAYBE, she’s a normal person who’s been through a lot in life, and cucumbers are just one of those little things that she’s passionate about.

Part of my intent in starting this blog was to educate our family and friends about the adoption process (or, in the spirit of “perspective”, about OUR adoption process, since no two journeys are the same).  A couple posts back, I wrote about the incredibly tough choice between international, domestic, or waiting child adoption.  After choosing the domestic infant program, our next step was to choose an agency.  This step, and the months of paperwork that followed, began teaching us a LOT about perspective.

We found ourselves thinking seriously about three options.  The only thing they all had in common was a pile of paperwork and an intrusive home study process.  Like it or not, we were going to have to “prove” ourselves as prospective parents, and our commitment to children and to one another would be intensely scrutinized.  One of our options was SUPER- expensive, we called it the “Lexus Agency,” but they could just about guarantee us an infant before the end of 2011.  The other two options were more affordable, but would result in a much longer, more indefinite waiting period.  So we would have to make an ugly financial decision.  We would also have to choose how much openness we would be willing to share with the birth parent(s) and their families.  Each agency offered varying degrees of openness and ongoing communication.  So without knowing the family, without knowing how we will feel once we meet that child and bring them into our home, we would have to make a decision about how often e-mails and photo exchange and phone calls and face-to-face meetings will take place. 

We would have to think long and hard about all of these things before choosing an agency, because each program was so different.   Most of it was pretty hard to swallow at first, and made us very uncomfortable.  A dear friend of mine going through the adoption process right now recently compared all these choices we have to make and hoops we have to jump through to “eating our vegetables” before getting dessert.  It really stinks having to check, check, check each yucky step off the list WITHOUT the tangible comfort of that child you have SO longed for and prayed for, there in your arms to cuddle and love.  It’s so hard to keep focused on what WILL be, and not get weighed down by the process of getting there.  And that’s not unique to adoption, I’m sure lots of you can relate on so many levels in your own unique life experiences.

At first we viewed it all as a means to an end.  As much as I hated it, I knew it was just part of the game.  But slowly, by God’s grace, our perspective began to shift.  The shift began when we were forced to accept the realities of adoption.  But the shift CONTINUED with time, education, and prayer.  We began to see the good that could come from our situation, and the unique opportunities we would be given, rather than viewing our essay questions and home inspections and monstrous payments as punishments, or something we just have to grin and bear.  In the end, we signed with Bethany Christian Services, a nationwide agency headquartered in Michigan, with a relatively small presence in Minnesota.  It was not the “Lexus Agency.”  Although we would have to suffer through six months of paperwork, and an indefinite wait thereafter to be chosen, we will ultimately be able to afford diapers and food and electricity once the long-awaited child becomes ours.

It’s crazy to me how, in less than a year, our perspective has shifted so much.  All of the “uglies” about adoption are just an accepted part of our life now, our new reality.  And many of them have turned into blessings.  And I am more intense of a Cheesehead than ever, because it’s such a wonderful escape from all the struggles and seriousness of this journey.  But as I pointed out earlier - I KNOW that I’m crazy - so it’s okay…

I encourage you today to take a little time to think about how God has used the trials and triumphs in your life to shift your perspective.  Think about goals you have, ways that you think, and how they are different from five years ago, or before a major event took place in your life.  In some ways, you might feel stronger.  In other ways weaker… maybe still healing.  But there’s no denying that life has shaped you, made you unique, and given you a perspective that no one else has.  And it might be just what someone else needs to hear.  Your special perspective that you live out every day and don't even remember is special, could be SO refreshing to another person.  So share it, if you’re willing, and try not to judge others based on your own perspective.  Like me and the cucumber lady.  Maybe she just REALLY loves cucumbers.

For the rest of you that also REALLY love cucumbers, do not fear! I heard today that Subway is bringing them back (maybe they already have) based on customer feedback.  Maybe my Cucumber Friend started a petition, I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll start a petition to banish Eli Manning to the Canadian Football League.  Ugh.