So Much Love

We thought we were prepared.  We read the books, we cleaned the house from top to bottom, we signed on every dotted line.  By the time we left for California, the even the dogs knew her name, perking up whenever they heard “Elizabeth” just like “ride,” “treat,” and “outside.” My heart ached the entire month of May because I so desperately “missed” my little girl, the beautiful princess across the country whom I hadn’t even met yet, who already had my entire heart wrapped around her teensy finger.  We knew we were in for BIGTIME love. 

We’d spent years watching so many friends and family fall in love over and over and over again with baby after baby.  We’d seen how it changes people.  We’d begun to feel it when our first nephew came along, and it grew stronger as we checked off each step of our adoption process.  We knew we were getting closer, each passing day, to a whole new kind of love.  We were prepared for it to be bigger than we could possibly imagine.  We knew it would fill us up and knock us off our feet.  So we felt prepared.

Then we saw this sweet little face.

Like I said, we had known it would be major.  We had known it would be boundless and unimaginable.  And yet somehow, it continues to bewilder me day after day.  I go to bed thinking, “I love that little pumpkin with everything I have and then some.  There’s no way I could love her more.”  Then I wake up, even AFTER a night of seemingly endless screaming, and love her a million times more than the day before.  Somehow, even after all that mental and emotional preparation, I’m STILL surprised that my heart can love this much. 

And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.  What REALLY caught me off guard is how much extra love has come into my life that I wasn’t even preparing for!

Obviously I loved my husband before Libby came along, more and more each day that we spent together.  We had a wonderful six years pre-baby, growing closer through God’s Word and the trials and triumphs we faced as a team.  But seeing him as Her Daddy… wow.  To see him drop everything when she needs him, to hear him make up silly songs about her, to watch him put her to sleep and gently kiss her forehead… MAN, that’s powerful stuff.  I don’t know how the man does it.  I thought I was sleep-deprived? I know better than anyone how busy he is and how deeply he cares for his ministry and how many hours he ACTUALLY works.  And he still makes time to be the Dad she needs him to be.  And train for marathons.  He just doesn’t sleep.  He’s amazing and my heart is overflowing.

Or how about the birth family? I knew Birthmom’s first name and that she was a “pretty girl” before we left for California, but that was about it.  When we left home at the end of May, I loved her for the choice she had made to give life to this sweet baby.  Funny how in six short weeks, I can already say I love her for HER. Not just for the baby she brought into the world, but for her grace, maturity, and wisdom beyond her years.  And I wasn’t prepared to be warmly embraced, SO SOON, by her whole family.  I love what a beautiful, close-knit group of people they are, and I’m humbly grateful for how much (and how EASILY) they support and encourage us.  I’m thankful every day for what they gave to us, and it blows my mind when THEY thank US for what we have done.  They are amazing people.

Then there’s Dede and Gene, Libby’s “third” set of grandparents: Nanny and Pops.  I was fully prepared to love these people for the beautiful start to life they had given my daughter.  I had a feeling they would want ongoing contact, and I was willing to oblige out of appreciation for their selfless care.  How quickly THAT motivation changed, too! I feel not an ounce of “obligation” when I text them pictures and send e-mails and order a fourth set of prints on Shutterfly, one for us, two for grandparents, and one for Nanny and Pops.  We spent a Monday afternoon through Friday morning with these people, less than four whole days, and I left bawling.  Just like the birth family, how quickly we came to love them for THEM! They feel like family.  Dede told me that after we left and people were asking how the visit and transition had gone, she kept calling us “the kids.” What an unexpected blessing.  We knew, getting into open adoption, that we would “eventually” come to love another family.  We had no idea how quickly we would find such love with TWO families, in Elizabeth’s case.

And OUR families! Of course we love them, and always have.  But hearing the joy and love and anticipation in their voices when we shared our news, then SEEING that love and complete adoration of their new granddaughter/niece/family member … how blessed we are! So many books have been written about how adoptive parents can help their families come to accept and love the adopted child, brought into the family in a non-biological manner.  I wondered if the day would ever come we would need these books to help us help our families to understand our feelings and Libby’s place in the family.  But when they met her, seeing them hold her and cuddle her and love on her relentlessly… I don’t think we have a whole lot to worry about.  Their unconditional acceptance of her place in our family brings so much joy to my heart, and makes me love and appreciate our families more than ever.

Likewise, our friends have been SO supportive, with presents and cards and phone calls and absolutely beautiful words of love and joy and praise.  I simply love sharing her sweetness and our joy with all of you, and the way you have welcomed her with open arms and shown so much care and concern for her is simply amazing.  Whenever we put up a new picture of Libby on Facebook, and especially after we spent the week in California and our pages blew up with love and support, Tim’s mom loves to read through all the names and comments and look for people she recognizes.  She says, “Wow, you guys have SO MANY friends who are excited about Libby.” And it’s so true; it feels like my whole little world waits on the edge of their seat for the next picture of Libby, and when I post it, it catches like wildfire.  And I LOVE you guys for it and appreciate it more than you know.

Here’s the biggest “love” surprise of all.  The others I might have logically concluded if I had thought far enough ahead.  But this one, I don’t think I ever could have seen coming.  Loving her has changed how I feel about myself and made me love myself a little more.  It definitely helps that she has filled this empty, aching little piece of my heart that has been waiting for her.  But there’s more to it – I feel stronger, tougher, more accomplished.  Which is kind of hilarious, being that I accomplish next to nothing in a day, compared to what I used to :) But now I feel so PROUD when I get the bathroom clean or the laundry folded or a nice meal cooked, because I know how HARD it was to get that done! I’m becoming more assertive, a quality I’ve wanted and needed to strengthen, but could never seem to do it for myself. But for her, it’s automatic.  I’m her advocate and I will fight fiercely for what she needs. And working out… seriously, did I just do a half-marathon at the end of May?  Pretty sure I couldn’t make it through a 5k at this moment without walking. But gone are the days of beating myself up because I didn’t work out “enough” this week.  Now are the days of pride and loving myself for mustering the strength and finding the time to work out even a few days a week.  It feels REALLY good to feel good about myself.  Not that every second of mommyhood is feeling good about yourself… sometimes I feel pretty crappy.  But there have been some very happy, proud moments, and it’s been wonderful.

Finally, I love my Savior SO much.  I don’t deserve this, ANY of this.  Sometimes I sit and stare and her and wonder why and how we are so blessed, and I hug her just a little tighter, reassuring myself that she’s real and she’s mine and she’s here to stay.  Why me? But then I glance over at the second shelf of the changing table, arm’s length from the rocking chair.  The stack of adoption books and baby books and devotion books that I thought I might sit and rock and read while Libby napped… HA! What a joke, THAT does not happen.  Then I catch a glimpse of my Bible propped up against the stack of books and the question “Why me?” is answered: simply because God is good.  Libby is not the only underserved, lovely blessing I’ve been graciously given in this life.  My Savior has blessed me so richly in so many ways, blessings I don’t even KNOW He’s given me.  And Libby, soft, sweet little Libby resting in my arms, is a physical, daily reminder of ALL the good that God gives me every single day.

So much love! I had known our hearts would grow and expand to accommodate the sweet little brown-eyed, chubby-cheeked munchkin we were about to bring home… I had known we would grow to love the people who had brought her into the world and cared for her in the early months of her life… but THIS much love? I am overwhelmed and so very, very blessed.