“Yes, Lord, walking in the way of
your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.” Isaiah 26:8
A few days ago, I started writing a little background on how I'm beginning to be able to see God's grace and mercy in asking us to wait (and wait and wait) for sweet Elizabeth to come into our life. If you haven't yet had a chance to check out Part 1, please give it a read before continuing.
Throughout this process, I've tried not to "challenge" God. I believe it's okay to ask questions, to wonder, even to guess at His ways and reasonings, as long as fear and respect remain in the forefront, and we never call "His will" that which is our own speculation. One of the questions I had for Him about a month ago went something like this:
Well, I only wondered for a few moments. The answers started flowing through me so quickly that I literally had to "take notes" on all the reasons He was suddenly allowing me to understand. First, the things I probably WOULD have done, had I known she was mine, living 2,000 miles away:
Here, God gives me His very best reason for asking me to wait. So that His name could be glorified. What if the Redfields had become a waiting family on November 1, and then on November 3 we had gotten word of our daughter having been born? I can just hear it: "Wow. Amazing how the adoption process works. How perfect that you finished up your paperwork just in time. It was meant to be." Hardly a mention of God or His goodness.
But He asked us to wait for Him. His name and renown are to be the desire of our hearts. The longer we waited, the longer it became clearer that HE was in charge of it all, not some process or our ability to fill out paperwork well or present ourselves in an appealing manner in a profile book. After the wait, and seeing now what He had planned for us, it is SO CLEAR that He is in control, and deserves ALL the glory and praise for bringing our little family together, from miles apart.
A few days ago, I started writing a little background on how I'm beginning to be able to see God's grace and mercy in asking us to wait (and wait and wait) for sweet Elizabeth to come into our life. If you haven't yet had a chance to check out Part 1, please give it a read before continuing.
Throughout this process, I've tried not to "challenge" God. I believe it's okay to ask questions, to wonder, even to guess at His ways and reasonings, as long as fear and respect remain in the forefront, and we never call "His will" that which is our own speculation. One of the questions I had for Him about a month ago went something like this:
"Okay, God, I understand you had a perfect plan for when and how to place Libby in our lives. But we missed SO MUCH as she grew and changed from birth to six months, thousands of miles away, while we were completely unaware of her existence. Even if you knew that we weren't ready to bring her home, I wonder why we couldn't at least have known ABOUT her... seen pictures, shared videos, gotten daily updates instead of such an overwhelming wealth of information all at once."Some of you are probably snorting already, especially those of you who know how difficult the month of May was for us. The four weeks we waited to meet her after knowing we had been chosen were torturous! But that particular weekend in July, she'd changed so much in what seemed like an instant, hit three big milestones in two days, and I was experiencing the mother's joy of watching a child grow and change and finally learn to do something you've been trying to teach them. So I'd temporarily erased the month of May from my memory, and was wistfully wondering why God hadn't allowed us to enjoy those big changes earlier on, even if from afar.
Well, I only wondered for a few moments. The answers started flowing through me so quickly that I literally had to "take notes" on all the reasons He was suddenly allowing me to understand. First, the things I probably WOULD have done, had I known she was mine, living 2,000 miles away:
- Freak out. The Lord, in His mercy, only allowed me to know about her for six weeks, and to know she was mine for four, before going to meet her. Because He knew I would freak out. I was physically ill and slept less than I do now that she's home (and teething). Not because there was so much to get done. Not because I didn't have enough time to prepare. We got "ready" in a surprisingly short amount of time, and spent the last ten days pretty much biding our time, wishing the days away. No, He knew my mind would be constantly preoccupied with every travel detail and new photo I got from Dede, He knew I would be worthless at work, and He knew I would read way too much into everything and worry myself sick. So, in His wisdom, He only allowed me to carry on like this for four weeks. Instead of six long months.
- Spend all my time reading a million books. Books about babies. Books about blindness. Books about possible complications that come with her condition, things she doesn't even HAVE, but things I would have worried about anyway. Truth be told, I've hardly cracked a book since we got her. What To Expect the First Year is collecting dust, and that's okay. Because anyone I've ever talked to that has read the thing cover to cover has the same review: it made them worry MORE and they felt LESS confident after reading it, because it was so full of information that they couldn't possibly remember every last detail, which made them feel like terrible parents. Do I wish I had time to read it, then or now? Yes. Would I learn a thing or two? Definitely. But would I trade all the amazing things I got to do last winter and spring for the thousands of pages I probably would have read, waiting for Libby? No way.
- Wimped out on my half-marathon training. I NEVER would have completed my most recent race on May 19. No way. Because if I had trained all winter the way I trained in May, once I knew about Libby, I would have collapsed before mile 3. It was such a blessing that I had the majority of my training under my belt before we found out about her. Like I said, I didn't sleep well. So I didn't eat as well. And I drank a lot more caffeine. I was really good at thinking of things I needed from the store, phone calls I needed to make, or research I needed to do before going to the gym... which usually meant that I ended up skipping my run that day. God knew I NEEDED to do that race. I hadn't done one since the August before. He knew I would need the feeling of victory, reaching a goal, pushing my body past its limits FRESH in my mind before bringing a baby home. Because it's really, REALLY hard to work out now. Before I "created" excuses, now they are real and stressful and suffocating. Had I not gotten that race in last May, I'm positive I would have given up already.
- Focus on all the other goodness in my life. I have been blessed with an amazing family, a beautiful home, a job that I love, and the best husband in the world. Hands down. I know, I know, some of the rest of you THINK you have the best husband in the world. But that's an argument for another day. The point is, Libby has been a huge blessing in my life, but also my entire focus since May 1. As she now should be. But for most of those six months before May 1, I knew nothing about her. No, I didn't get to freak out about her first giggle or tooth or back-to-tummy roll. Instead, I got to have a few extra dates and vacations with my hubby, spoil up my doggies, take weekend trips to visit friends and family, enjoy hours of junk TV, spend a lot more time doing things I love, attempt to do Pinterest but totally not get it... the list goes on and on. So rather than obsess about her all that time, which I easily could have, I got to soak up the other loves of my life for a few more months. Which I see as a blessing.
- She got to be "theirs." Gene and Dede were her parents for that time, and they got to experience the joy and blessings of parenthood once again, and fall head over heels for their little girl. They went to the doctor appointments, they picked out the outfits, they did the middle-of-the-night feedings. They didn't have to call some random strangers across the country to get approval or an opinion every time they needed to make a decision. Had we been involved from the very start, I don't think they would have gotten as attached or fallen as deeply in love. And Elizabeth NEEDED all that love they gave her. She absolutely thrived on it and she is now such a happy, loving, secure baby because of it.
- I prayed and prayed and prayed. My faith was tested and it grew stronger. This is the greatest blessing that came of waiting to hear about Libby until she was older. I spent those six months waiting and wondering in the most constructive way, praying constantly. And I know that so many of you prayed for us, too, and so you also were blessed by our waiting. I traded in six months of worry and freaking and possibly a stomach ulcer, for six months of prayer and growing closer to my Savior.
Here, God gives me His very best reason for asking me to wait. So that His name could be glorified. What if the Redfields had become a waiting family on November 1, and then on November 3 we had gotten word of our daughter having been born? I can just hear it: "Wow. Amazing how the adoption process works. How perfect that you finished up your paperwork just in time. It was meant to be." Hardly a mention of God or His goodness.
But He asked us to wait for Him. His name and renown are to be the desire of our hearts. The longer we waited, the longer it became clearer that HE was in charge of it all, not some process or our ability to fill out paperwork well or present ourselves in an appealing manner in a profile book. After the wait, and seeing now what He had planned for us, it is SO CLEAR that He is in control, and deserves ALL the glory and praise for bringing our little family together, from miles apart.
Hindsight is 20/20... and I still don't pretend to understand ALL the reasons we had to wait, or even why He chose Elizabeth for us. Everything I just laid out is simple speculation, my guess as to why God works the way He does. But it sure feels good to let go of the anxiety and sadness of those months, and to believe it was for a positive reason. And now I have some reading material for the next time I'm terribly impatient for something to happen in my life :)
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